too many unanswered questions. he's drunk, he tells me stuff, but i don't know if he really means it, or if it's his drunk, desperate, lonely self who's talking. to be specific, he said "i missed you. very very much. mhm!" and "i thought of you a lot. you know, in my head, i missed you a lot."
and to my question why he didn't tell me earlier, he replied: "because i just noticed."
he was really cute and all and i enjoyed spending time with him a lot and yeah, i missed him a lot as well, but the next day... it was all so different. waking up was nice, then i started interpreting all kinds of (lovely) crap into the songs he played, then got ignored most of the morning (nothing new), THEN was kinda asked/forced to leave. thanks. real nice.
now, i need to know if what he said was true or just a lie to get me to do stuff.
i don't care if he only tells me, or if he screams it out, but iiiii neeeeeed to knoooooow! understand?
Mittwoch, 22. Dezember 2010
Donnerstag, 25. November 2010
Chapeau, madame!
I'm thankful for the painless death of my grandma's sister. I'm thankful for everything she's taught me about her time in history, about the human psyche and about will-power.
I'm thankful for Steffi, who just keeps putting up with my blah blah and that she never agrees to something just to make me stop talking. Thank you for your own opinion, though it's almost never the same as mine ;)
I'm thankful for my mom, who is sleepy, but funny; caring, but good at letting me grow independent and loving, but not overpowering. She takes in soo much crap and yet basically never raises her voice.
I'm thankful for my hostfamily, who are incredible people (and Carson-diggy) and I cannot begin to imagine my life without them... no, I really can't. You have enriched my life in ways that I probably can't even capture completely, yet, and I feel very honored that you've done, and still do, all these things for me... "You's homies are like woah, ya know?!"
I'm thankful for Daniel, who looks through me like no one else I know. Not even Steffi or Andy. And he doesn't make me feel awkward. Luv, you're amazing, though I promised to not call you pet names, anymore. If there's ONE person on earth, I can talk to about literally e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, it's you. It has always been you. Some things never change. Like you, my friend. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my family. Though they're all crazy and old, unsocial and stuck up, they are still my family and I love them very much and I am lucky to have such a strong support system in my life.
I'm thankful for my friends, who are always there for fun times and partying. Also, talking. Thanks AJ. Remind me to buy you a drink for all my girly-brain crap you put up with. You have a way with words, it's astonishing. Soothing. Love it.
And lastly, and there's no point in denying that, I am thankful for Andy. Thank you for showing me that sleeping alone is a bunch of crap. Thank you for never getting angry at me that, with you, I can't watch a movie until the end; can't be the first to fall asleep; coming over in the middle of the night when I'm crying about whatever. Thanks for the hugs, the looks, the kisses and the rest. Thanks for the pain, the choking, the loud music and the toying me around. (Oh yeah, that was totally ironic, btw.) And if you can't be normal friends with me, though you said we would, then.. fuck you. ("No nigga, FUCK. YOU." hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa)
I'm thankful for Steffi, who just keeps putting up with my blah blah and that she never agrees to something just to make me stop talking. Thank you for your own opinion, though it's almost never the same as mine ;)
I'm thankful for my mom, who is sleepy, but funny; caring, but good at letting me grow independent and loving, but not overpowering. She takes in soo much crap and yet basically never raises her voice.
I'm thankful for my hostfamily, who are incredible people (and Carson-diggy) and I cannot begin to imagine my life without them... no, I really can't. You have enriched my life in ways that I probably can't even capture completely, yet, and I feel very honored that you've done, and still do, all these things for me... "You's homies are like woah, ya know?!"
I'm thankful for Daniel, who looks through me like no one else I know. Not even Steffi or Andy. And he doesn't make me feel awkward. Luv, you're amazing, though I promised to not call you pet names, anymore. If there's ONE person on earth, I can talk to about literally e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, it's you. It has always been you. Some things never change. Like you, my friend. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my family. Though they're all crazy and old, unsocial and stuck up, they are still my family and I love them very much and I am lucky to have such a strong support system in my life.
I'm thankful for my friends, who are always there for fun times and partying. Also, talking. Thanks AJ. Remind me to buy you a drink for all my girly-brain crap you put up with. You have a way with words, it's astonishing. Soothing. Love it.
And lastly, and there's no point in denying that, I am thankful for Andy. Thank you for showing me that sleeping alone is a bunch of crap. Thank you for never getting angry at me that, with you, I can't watch a movie until the end; can't be the first to fall asleep; coming over in the middle of the night when I'm crying about whatever. Thanks for the hugs, the looks, the kisses and the rest. Thanks for the pain, the choking, the loud music and the toying me around. (Oh yeah, that was totally ironic, btw.) And if you can't be normal friends with me, though you said we would, then.. fuck you. ("No nigga, FUCK. YOU." hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa)
Dienstag, 23. November 2010
My favorite number
88 is my favorite number. It represents double-infinity. See, if you turn one 8 90 degrees sideways, it beccomes the symbol for infinity. 8 is also Andy's favorite number, but who gives, right? Right. Anyway, I like 88, because it's not just a single infinity. To have it twice means 2 people have an infinity together. Also, it's the year I was born. I often feel like 1988 was the last year of good people. I see it in some of my friends, who are younger, that they are just soo different! They are less family-based, more surrounded by friends, they text all the time, they party, drink, smoke.. all that crap. They have a different relationship to teachers or other students. They speak more freely, more intiutuve rather than thoughtful... I don't know, I can't sound it out, it's weird.
But 88 is my favorite number and I felt like writing about it.
It's been a week since we've spoken. I find myself missing him less and less. I hope that that's not just a phase. I want it to stick. I mean, sure, I think about him a lot, but it's not so painful anymore. It doesn't physically hurt anymore to decide to NOT sign onto my instant messenger. I don't have to consciously make that decision anymore, I just don't do it. Today, I've worked on my reaction to "California King Bed" by Rihanna... Not pleased with it, yet. I can't help it, it tears me apart and I want to curl up in a litte dust-ball! No crying, just choking. Don't know which is worse. And going to bed is.. well, it's been difficult all along, but I remember him telling me about that in the very beginning that, one you've had someone else sleeping in the same bed, you find it hard to sleep alone in the future. So true. SO true. Every night I walk into my room, I'm sad that my bed is empty. Ohhh well. I cuddle my pillow. It'll be alright.
But 88 is my favorite number and I felt like writing about it.
It's been a week since we've spoken. I find myself missing him less and less. I hope that that's not just a phase. I want it to stick. I mean, sure, I think about him a lot, but it's not so painful anymore. It doesn't physically hurt anymore to decide to NOT sign onto my instant messenger. I don't have to consciously make that decision anymore, I just don't do it. Today, I've worked on my reaction to "California King Bed" by Rihanna... Not pleased with it, yet. I can't help it, it tears me apart and I want to curl up in a litte dust-ball! No crying, just choking. Don't know which is worse. And going to bed is.. well, it's been difficult all along, but I remember him telling me about that in the very beginning that, one you've had someone else sleeping in the same bed, you find it hard to sleep alone in the future. So true. SO true. Every night I walk into my room, I'm sad that my bed is empty. Ohhh well. I cuddle my pillow. It'll be alright.
Donnerstag, 18. November 2010
spiral of the life of a friendship
So, after a long sleepless night, I thought about the consequences of stopping to be friends with him altogether. I was usually just tagging along with him when we went somewhere as a group of people. His friends have become my friends as well, but filtered through him. Like, I wouldn't ask one of them if they'd wanna go dancing some time, rather when they ask Andy, I get the occasional invite to come along as well. They are nice guys, but for the most part, we aren't that close.
Sociologists say that you change your group of friends in a relatively set peroid of time. Like, every 10 years, for example. Well, when this Andy and I thing got more twisted and we started hanging out all the time, I "traded" my old group of friends for his. Not entirely and not sudden, but, as previously mentioned, since I spent so much time with him, I also spent more time with his friends, than with mine.
What I'm trying to say is that, if I stop being friends with him altogether, I run the risk of losing a couple of friends. At the moment, I don't want to be at some public place where he is. I don't want to go out with a group of friends that he is a part of, because seeing him (and seeing him with other girls) hurts so badly. I know it from experience. It wasn't pretty.
I never thought I could be the Daniel in a relationship. The one to break off all the contact, because he couldn't handle staying in touch. It'll hurt and I am not prepared. Not willing, either, but I have to. If he wants to surround himself with other girls, I can't change that.
What I also can't change is this feeling in my heart that he'll eventually realize what or who I could have been for him. I hope he'll have the guts to come and talk to me when the time comes.
Yeah, that was crap, I know. Shuddup.
The truth is, I will never be ready to say goodbye, because I suck at giving up on something.
Sociologists say that you change your group of friends in a relatively set peroid of time. Like, every 10 years, for example. Well, when this Andy and I thing got more twisted and we started hanging out all the time, I "traded" my old group of friends for his. Not entirely and not sudden, but, as previously mentioned, since I spent so much time with him, I also spent more time with his friends, than with mine.
What I'm trying to say is that, if I stop being friends with him altogether, I run the risk of losing a couple of friends. At the moment, I don't want to be at some public place where he is. I don't want to go out with a group of friends that he is a part of, because seeing him (and seeing him with other girls) hurts so badly. I know it from experience. It wasn't pretty.
I never thought I could be the Daniel in a relationship. The one to break off all the contact, because he couldn't handle staying in touch. It'll hurt and I am not prepared. Not willing, either, but I have to. If he wants to surround himself with other girls, I can't change that.
What I also can't change is this feeling in my heart that he'll eventually realize what or who I could have been for him. I hope he'll have the guts to come and talk to me when the time comes.
Yeah, that was crap, I know. Shuddup.
The truth is, I will never be ready to say goodbye, because I suck at giving up on something.
Mittwoch, 17. November 2010
YYOU SyOUAID YoUyYou YOU SAID THAT YOUDON'T WANT A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW AND THAT YOU LIKE ME OOOOOOOOOH SO MUCH. YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT, DO YOU.- WELL, I DO. I WAS SOBER. SEE, ONE MORE REASON WHY I DON'T DRINK. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I SAY - I WANT TO MEAN IT, TOO. YOU ARE JUST SCEWED UP AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEPT HOLDING ON TO YOU... SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW. YOU WERE SUCH AN ASS TO ME 90% OF THE TIME AND YET, I FELT LIKE THOSE 10% WERE ALL THAT MATTERED. JERK. YOU THINKT THAT ITS OK FOR YOU TO AK ASK IF I WANT TO HANG OUT, BUT IT'S NOT OK WHEN I ASK YOU???? WHAT KIND OF SELF-ABSORBED FRIEND ARE YOU??? I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID LET'S HANG OUT, BUT THAT WAS NOT WHEN I NOT WHAT I MEANT- AT,. ALL. AND YOU DON'T BLIEVE ME. WHE WHY NOT? WHY CAN'T I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS??? I MEAN, CLEARLY YOU CAN'T, BECASE YOU'RE AN IDIOT, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MATURE ONE, I BELIEVE. SURE, ITHERE WHERE TIMES WHEN I GAVE IN, BUT I AM THE ONE WHO CAN PUT ALL THE 'TOLD YOU SO'S ON YOU. ... THAT WAS CHILDISH, I KNOW. ESSENIALLY, I DID WHEAT WHAT YOU SAID. I WANTED AND MAYBE WANT TO B FRIENDS WITH YOU AND JUSTTHAT. AND JUST BCAUSE WE HAVE A SCREWED UP BACKROUND, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T HANG OUT ANYMORE!! ....OR DOES IT...? TYPED ON MY PHONE--- ITS WEIRD. SORRY FOR ALL THE ERRRORS, IT WON'T LET ME DELETE OR DECAPITALIZE.
Dienstag, 16. November 2010
Finally. He finally said it clearly. I'm overly sure that he means it, this time. Like, for good. No more late night texts, never ever again. I feel nothing. Not anything. My brain is empty and everything is silent.
Yesterday, I prayed to God to please just give me one more time to fall asleep being cuddled and to wake up being cuddled. That's all. Nothing else. I said to give me hell for as long as He thinks I need as pay for this huge favor. ...Sometimes, I think He doesn't hear me. I pray, but He's busy. Maybe He hears, but He doesn't act on it! It makes me so sad, but I know that, if He had given me just this night, I would have prayed for more. More falling asleep being cuddled, more waking up being cuddled. Nothing else, I promise. Just his arms around me when I fall asleep. It's just the best thing I have ever felt. Ever.
So the "hon" in my birthday message was seriously my birthday present. Thanks.
Yesterday, I prayed to God to please just give me one more time to fall asleep being cuddled and to wake up being cuddled. That's all. Nothing else. I said to give me hell for as long as He thinks I need as pay for this huge favor. ...Sometimes, I think He doesn't hear me. I pray, but He's busy. Maybe He hears, but He doesn't act on it! It makes me so sad, but I know that, if He had given me just this night, I would have prayed for more. More falling asleep being cuddled, more waking up being cuddled. Nothing else, I promise. Just his arms around me when I fall asleep. It's just the best thing I have ever felt. Ever.
So the "hon" in my birthday message was seriously my birthday present. Thanks.
Freitag, 12. November 2010
Words.
Words. They tumble out of my head and into my fingers, forcing them to type these words into my computer. My brain snaps and I hit send. Silence. Astonishment. I sit in surprise to what my muscles just accomplished. I sent the message. The message I thought about so many times since I last got to use it. I sent those words. Spoke them in writing. "I miss you." Well, not completely, to be honest. What came out was more like "i... i mi... forget it." My brain snaps again and I want to log off before he can answer, but his fingers are faster. "hm". I stare at the orange letters in shock. I didn't want an answer. I sent my silent question in hopes of no answer. The answer is almost never the one I want, so I don't want one. If there would ever be a positive answer, I want it in a textmessage. To preserve the moment. To get back to the moment everytime I want to feel happy. Or cry.
I go to bed and I do said thing. I cry. "hm". I don't know what it means, but I know it's not "I miss you, too." It's nothing. It's a "hm".
If I only knew how he felt about me, maybe I'd feel better. Maybe, it'd be easier to hate you.
I miss you, but I can't tell you. I care about you, but I can't tell you. I want to be close to you, but I can't tell you. Tell me.
I go to bed and I do said thing. I cry. "hm". I don't know what it means, but I know it's not "I miss you, too." It's nothing. It's a "hm".
If I only knew how he felt about me, maybe I'd feel better. Maybe, it'd be easier to hate you.
I miss you, but I can't tell you. I care about you, but I can't tell you. I want to be close to you, but I can't tell you. Tell me.
Samstag, 16. Oktober 2010
fall depression
In the last 2 months, I had to do a lot of thinking, realizing, coping and compensating. I had to accept the fact that, what has never actually started, has now ended for good. I don't like it, but I have to cope. I've been thinking back a lot about how different life was this time last year, especially October/November/December. Thought about if I would want to go back or not. If I'd do it all over again or act differently. And to be honest, I don't know. Cannot decide. The only thing I know is that it makes me sick to my stomach when I read about all the parties, the girls, the drinking..
Even more, the fact that we don't talk anymore. Or hardly. I have ex-girlfriend status without ever being the girlfriend! Grrreat. I'm having withdrawals from him. Sometimes, it feels like the time in Ginny's barn where I had to press my ribcage together to keep it from falling apart (not literally, but you know what I mean). I don't want to feel that every night when I go to bed. Praying hasn't done much other than showing me that he really has no interest in being with me at all. Thanks. I remember last sunday in chruch I was on my knees asking Him "Really? Is that what 'Please let me see the situation with Andy more clearly and help me understand where this is going' made you do? Make him go from sometimes-talking to silent-mode? Thank you for that, but can we meet on friendlier grounds there, Jesus? Any other ideas?"
Seems as if Jesus was being serious. This time last year, Andy told me about the tickets he had for this comedian who was coming to Leipzig this fall. He said that "Originally, this card was for my ex, but I doubt she'd wanna come along after all that's happened and I don't really want her there either, but, you know, if we get along next year as well as we do now, you can have that ticket!"
That's today.
And I'm not going.
Ouch.
When I read that that is today, I was on the phone with my sister. I was so glad that she was talking, because I almost threw up and couldn't breathe for a second, because that just made me realize HOW over all this is. She didn't notice. It seems like not just our "never-even-started" relationship is over, but that our friendship is, too. And that's not my doing. I like the kid, I get along with him and though we have little in common, but we can talk for hours. I love listening to him, talking to him, cuddling and falling asleep all squished by his arms and legs.
But I don't know about him. I have never dared to ask. One, because I felt stupid asking and two, because I am convinced that, if someone likes you enough to want you around, he should come forth and tell you without being asked to. Sadly, he's made it obvious that he just doesn't care at all about my company. He's the one not talking and when he talks, I get so exceited, I feel like Daniel on the soccer field: Soooo hyped to be in the game that he stumbles over a blade of grass, misses the ball and hits the ground.
He asks me if he can come over, I say yes. He asks me to come over, I do (and then get a textmessage to stay at home, because it turns out he has other plans, which I don't read until I'm in front of his house, wondering why no one is home. Long and sad story.).
I don't understand this guy and everytime I think I do, God shows me "No, you don't." Thanks.
I really REALLY would love to catch him in a weak moment and make him tell me how he feels about me. I want to know, but I don't want to ask. It's over. He's made that clear enough. But there will always be the question how he feels about me.
I know part of the answer. The night I told him how I feel about him, he said little about his feelings, but his body language made it very clear that he didn't express it all. I saw that in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, I felt it in his hug. I wanna know. Just to know. I promise I won't change the way I behave. I just.... want to know exactly how he feels about me and if that feeling has been the same over the past year. Please.
In other news, I baked lovely bread, today. Tastes amazing, looks amazing, mee likeyyy!
Even more, the fact that we don't talk anymore. Or hardly. I have ex-girlfriend status without ever being the girlfriend! Grrreat. I'm having withdrawals from him. Sometimes, it feels like the time in Ginny's barn where I had to press my ribcage together to keep it from falling apart (not literally, but you know what I mean). I don't want to feel that every night when I go to bed. Praying hasn't done much other than showing me that he really has no interest in being with me at all. Thanks. I remember last sunday in chruch I was on my knees asking Him "Really? Is that what 'Please let me see the situation with Andy more clearly and help me understand where this is going' made you do? Make him go from sometimes-talking to silent-mode? Thank you for that, but can we meet on friendlier grounds there, Jesus? Any other ideas?"
Seems as if Jesus was being serious. This time last year, Andy told me about the tickets he had for this comedian who was coming to Leipzig this fall. He said that "Originally, this card was for my ex, but I doubt she'd wanna come along after all that's happened and I don't really want her there either, but, you know, if we get along next year as well as we do now, you can have that ticket!"
That's today.
And I'm not going.
Ouch.
When I read that that is today, I was on the phone with my sister. I was so glad that she was talking, because I almost threw up and couldn't breathe for a second, because that just made me realize HOW over all this is. She didn't notice. It seems like not just our "never-even-started" relationship is over, but that our friendship is, too. And that's not my doing. I like the kid, I get along with him and though we have little in common, but we can talk for hours. I love listening to him, talking to him, cuddling and falling asleep all squished by his arms and legs.
But I don't know about him. I have never dared to ask. One, because I felt stupid asking and two, because I am convinced that, if someone likes you enough to want you around, he should come forth and tell you without being asked to. Sadly, he's made it obvious that he just doesn't care at all about my company. He's the one not talking and when he talks, I get so exceited, I feel like Daniel on the soccer field: Soooo hyped to be in the game that he stumbles over a blade of grass, misses the ball and hits the ground.
He asks me if he can come over, I say yes. He asks me to come over, I do (and then get a textmessage to stay at home, because it turns out he has other plans, which I don't read until I'm in front of his house, wondering why no one is home. Long and sad story.).
I don't understand this guy and everytime I think I do, God shows me "No, you don't." Thanks.
I really REALLY would love to catch him in a weak moment and make him tell me how he feels about me. I want to know, but I don't want to ask. It's over. He's made that clear enough. But there will always be the question how he feels about me.
I know part of the answer. The night I told him how I feel about him, he said little about his feelings, but his body language made it very clear that he didn't express it all. I saw that in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, I felt it in his hug. I wanna know. Just to know. I promise I won't change the way I behave. I just.... want to know exactly how he feels about me and if that feeling has been the same over the past year. Please.
In other news, I baked lovely bread, today. Tastes amazing, looks amazing, mee likeyyy!
Sonntag, 8. August 2010
Don't be weird.
First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for coming over last night. I really needed some talking and cuddling. Though I wonder why you're being weird, today. Everything seemed fine this morning! Do you regret coming over or do you just regret part of it or am I going crazy or what?! I don't understand. I'd like some serious-talk, please.
Samstag, 24. Juli 2010
FacePalm.
Wow, reality just hit me in the face. Ouch. He went clubbing, yesterday and, in the old days, he would have come over to my house afterwards and cradle me in his arms as we fall asleep. I really liked being woken up for the purpose of letting someone in, who cuddles me good night. Sure he was drunk and I felt horrible for always opening my door to him and never saying no. I knew the right thing would have been leaving him out there by himself and telling him he could come back when he was sober, but I never did, because I knew chances were bad that I'd ever get that (He was here sober, before, but it's been a long time since). Well, right now, he's telling me about clubbing last night and it just dawned on me that he didn't come over to spend the night. My head heals quickly. I can't have it, to heck with it.. my heart takes a while, because it doesn't let the emotions out easily. So it's a song, a word or a reoccurrance of events (which is right now) that make my emotions slap me upside the head. And he doesn't even notice, because he doesn't miss me. At least, it seems that way. Not in the least. I feel like the worst person on earth for letting myself being played like that. As long as I said yes to the things he asked for, I was convenient. Once I started getting pissed off about constantly being treated like crap, I wasn't easy to handle anymore, so why bother.
Geez, I really saw something in him that doesn't exist. I still believe it's in there, this good person, but I am working on convincing my mind that that is a myth.
Geez, I really saw something in him that doesn't exist. I still believe it's in there, this good person, but I am working on convincing my mind that that is a myth.
Freitag, 11. Juni 2010
doubleyouteeeff
I want to be in Virginia, now, because people don't get shitfaced-drunk there.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I want the top of my backdoor open so I can hear the birds chirping and the cars coming by. I want to be were fans are installed on the ceiling and the breeze is blowing through my hair.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I really miss my brothers and sisters a lot. I miss playing apples to apples and cuddling my babies and hearing them talk. I miss my hostmom's food and baking bread and cookies late at night. I miss my hostdad being proud of new gadgets and showing me all the crazy things he found. How they always teach me life with every sentence my hostparents say.
I want to be in Virginia, now, where my friends are still able to drive after 11pm. Where we go to the movies and have fun being sober.
I want to be in Viginia, now, where it's still really hot and humind after the sun went down. Where I know people in the streets and have a chat with them as I walk my dog. I miss my dog a lot, too. I miss summer rain and jumping in puddles.
I want to be where you only wear shoes, because the ground is too hot to walk on barefoot.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I am always busy and everyday is new and exciting. Where can finally express myself in the language I think in. Where everyone is awesome. Where church is the most important part of on sundays.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I want to get away from all this pop-culture liberal crap here.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I want the top of my backdoor open so I can hear the birds chirping and the cars coming by. I want to be were fans are installed on the ceiling and the breeze is blowing through my hair.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I really miss my brothers and sisters a lot. I miss playing apples to apples and cuddling my babies and hearing them talk. I miss my hostmom's food and baking bread and cookies late at night. I miss my hostdad being proud of new gadgets and showing me all the crazy things he found. How they always teach me life with every sentence my hostparents say.
I want to be in Virginia, now, where my friends are still able to drive after 11pm. Where we go to the movies and have fun being sober.
I want to be in Viginia, now, where it's still really hot and humind after the sun went down. Where I know people in the streets and have a chat with them as I walk my dog. I miss my dog a lot, too. I miss summer rain and jumping in puddles.
I want to be where you only wear shoes, because the ground is too hot to walk on barefoot.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I am always busy and everyday is new and exciting. Where can finally express myself in the language I think in. Where everyone is awesome. Where church is the most important part of on sundays.
I want to be in Virginia, now, because I want to get away from all this pop-culture liberal crap here.
Mittwoch, 5. Mai 2010
odd dreams
Okay just to keep track of these dreams I've been having.
Sunday to Monday: I was at his house and we had a party with a bunch of friends and all of a sudden this girl shows up and he introduces her as his new girlfriend. We didn't talk all through the party... nothing unusual actually... and upon leaving, he tells me that he plans on starting a new life and this will be the last time I ever get to see or speak to him again. I woke up with this familiar "I'm living for the night" kind of pain that I never missed eversince I felt it in Ginny's barn.
Monday to Tuesday: He had trouble finding a place to work for his social-work time and the work agency gave him a spot as a... I think it was either a kindergarden teacher or a maid... in Finnland. Some small town without internationally-working phones or internet access. Oh, and apparently it was for a whole year. End of dream.
Let's see what tonight has in store for me... Not excited for them at all.
Sunday to Monday: I was at his house and we had a party with a bunch of friends and all of a sudden this girl shows up and he introduces her as his new girlfriend. We didn't talk all through the party... nothing unusual actually... and upon leaving, he tells me that he plans on starting a new life and this will be the last time I ever get to see or speak to him again. I woke up with this familiar "I'm living for the night" kind of pain that I never missed eversince I felt it in Ginny's barn.
Monday to Tuesday: He had trouble finding a place to work for his social-work time and the work agency gave him a spot as a... I think it was either a kindergarden teacher or a maid... in Finnland. Some small town without internationally-working phones or internet access. Oh, and apparently it was for a whole year. End of dream.
Let's see what tonight has in store for me... Not excited for them at all.
Freitag, 30. April 2010
April 30th
My week was good. Sunday, Grandma, Uncle, Mom and I hung out in the yard and got sunburned. Then, Sophie and I went out for drinks, day over. Monday and Tuesday went by quite quick... I made Petits Fours for work and brought them in on Monday... today, Friday, ONE of them is left. Hahaha I brought them like 20 :)
Monday, we cooked turkish and made delicious croissants with sheep-cheese inside. Tuesday, Nancy and I conducted the sports class, in which we did a BLT workout (Butt-Legs-Tummy).
Wednesday, I had the early shift from 9-3 and was responsible for the daily meet. We baked rolls and then put lettuce, mayo, cucumbers, tomatoes and chicken nuggets on it. They loved the food *relief*. Thursday, Nancy and I led the dancing class... duck-dance, Macarena and all that Jazz, again. Oh, and Aggro Asshole bought me little chocolates!!! I was quite surprised :) And My language fan asked my boss for a picture with me before I leave, haha. They're all so cute. Today, Friday, we'll have the film club... nothing exciting. I am awake since 7.30 a.m., because my upstairs neighbours are getting new flooring done... Can't sleep. I am tiiired!
As for tonight, whitchburning night, Andy asked if I would come over to watch movies and go to bed early, since he has to get up early to drive to Dortmund, tomorrow.
K thx bye!
Monday, we cooked turkish and made delicious croissants with sheep-cheese inside. Tuesday, Nancy and I conducted the sports class, in which we did a BLT workout (Butt-Legs-Tummy).
Wednesday, I had the early shift from 9-3 and was responsible for the daily meet. We baked rolls and then put lettuce, mayo, cucumbers, tomatoes and chicken nuggets on it. They loved the food *relief*. Thursday, Nancy and I led the dancing class... duck-dance, Macarena and all that Jazz, again. Oh, and Aggro Asshole bought me little chocolates!!! I was quite surprised :) And My language fan asked my boss for a picture with me before I leave, haha. They're all so cute. Today, Friday, we'll have the film club... nothing exciting. I am awake since 7.30 a.m., because my upstairs neighbours are getting new flooring done... Can't sleep. I am tiiired!
As for tonight, whitchburning night, Andy asked if I would come over to watch movies and go to bed early, since he has to get up early to drive to Dortmund, tomorrow.
K thx bye!
Donnerstag, 22. April 2010
April 22nd
Well well... Steffi's textmessage woke me up, asking if she could come over and if I am awake, yet? Awake - absolutely negative; coming over - completely positive.
I baked rolls, put my curls in a bun and Steffi came soon thereafter. We ate breakfast and talked for a bit and then as my mom came home, Steffi left and I had to go to work.
Work was fun, today. I came in at 1 p.m., cleaned for a bit and then I was informed that another girl and I were supposed to go buy all the groceries for saturday's brunch. Food for 30 hungry mouths. We left at 3 p.m., went grocery shopping (1.5 carts) and to the pharmacy and finally got back to the club at 5.30 p.m. .. yeeah :) We played some UNO with the guests (drumming class was already over), they left at around 6 and we sat around until 7. Workday over.
At home, my mom and I made the food I cooked at work on monday and it turned out lovely, again.
Watched Germany's Next Top Model and after writing this, I'm going to go to bed. Andy and I talked very briefly today, again. Soccer at Helge's. Neat... not. I feel quite rejected, I must say. especially when he comes home and says "well that was terribly boring" ... Geez kid, you have a cell phone with internet... Like, many times, when soccer is boring, he just talks to me online over his phone... And we haven't had an actual conversation all week... and it's already Thursday...
Unhappy me.
I'm going to crawl into my bed, now and maybe read or sing. G'night!
I baked rolls, put my curls in a bun and Steffi came soon thereafter. We ate breakfast and talked for a bit and then as my mom came home, Steffi left and I had to go to work.
Work was fun, today. I came in at 1 p.m., cleaned for a bit and then I was informed that another girl and I were supposed to go buy all the groceries for saturday's brunch. Food for 30 hungry mouths. We left at 3 p.m., went grocery shopping (1.5 carts) and to the pharmacy and finally got back to the club at 5.30 p.m. .. yeeah :) We played some UNO with the guests (drumming class was already over), they left at around 6 and we sat around until 7. Workday over.
At home, my mom and I made the food I cooked at work on monday and it turned out lovely, again.
Watched Germany's Next Top Model and after writing this, I'm going to go to bed. Andy and I talked very briefly today, again. Soccer at Helge's. Neat... not. I feel quite rejected, I must say. especially when he comes home and says "well that was terribly boring" ... Geez kid, you have a cell phone with internet... Like, many times, when soccer is boring, he just talks to me online over his phone... And we haven't had an actual conversation all week... and it's already Thursday...
Unhappy me.
I'm going to crawl into my bed, now and maybe read or sing. G'night!
Mittwoch, 21. April 2010
April 21st
Man, I can't even keep up a daily-blog for one month... shame on me.
Monday went well, everyone loved the food, even I did! Cooking it was a bit stressfull for me, but it went over well. Nothing particulary special happened on Tuesday, except that I translated something for a friend and closed it right after I saved it and... it was gone... sucked. Andy was gone pretty much all evening, watching soccer with the guys, not talking to me... I felt a bit lonely. Right when he came back to his computer, he said good night and in that minute, I lost the translation. So I was a bit rough on him (which his sensitive self kindly returned... bastard^^) and instantly felt sorry. I translated the paper again and THEN found where I had saved it. Stupid me.
Anyway, today, I went to work early to eat with the daily meeters. Spinach, scrambled egg and potatos -- YUMM!!! Before, my mom and I created our personal cereal online and each ordered a bag of it - exciting! Mine's called "Treehugger Delight" hahahahaha :) My sister would be proud of me. Also, I opened my rasta-braids this morning (Becky would be proud of me, haha) and looked like Geena Davies all day, haha! Today was my second day in charge this week, english. We translated a book, an alphabet poem and the forst verse of some kind of zoo-poem and then the stress was over... most of them are really bad, though they're listed as advanced english speakers...
At home, we had dinner, watched Grey's Anatomy and I chatted with Andy for some minutes (he went to a friend's house to watch soccer and the time he actually spent in front of the computer, he wasn't very talkative... sad.). Ooooh and I watched L.A. Ink and Jason Mraz was in the show and got a piece done by Kat!!! I was quite happy to see him, I must say. As he is fond of hats, I am fond of him, hahaha :)
Okay bedtime, now.
Nightnight!
Monday went well, everyone loved the food, even I did! Cooking it was a bit stressfull for me, but it went over well. Nothing particulary special happened on Tuesday, except that I translated something for a friend and closed it right after I saved it and... it was gone... sucked. Andy was gone pretty much all evening, watching soccer with the guys, not talking to me... I felt a bit lonely. Right when he came back to his computer, he said good night and in that minute, I lost the translation. So I was a bit rough on him (which his sensitive self kindly returned... bastard^^) and instantly felt sorry. I translated the paper again and THEN found where I had saved it. Stupid me.
Anyway, today, I went to work early to eat with the daily meeters. Spinach, scrambled egg and potatos -- YUMM!!! Before, my mom and I created our personal cereal online and each ordered a bag of it - exciting! Mine's called "Treehugger Delight" hahahahaha :) My sister would be proud of me. Also, I opened my rasta-braids this morning (Becky would be proud of me, haha) and looked like Geena Davies all day, haha! Today was my second day in charge this week, english. We translated a book, an alphabet poem and the forst verse of some kind of zoo-poem and then the stress was over... most of them are really bad, though they're listed as advanced english speakers...
At home, we had dinner, watched Grey's Anatomy and I chatted with Andy for some minutes (he went to a friend's house to watch soccer and the time he actually spent in front of the computer, he wasn't very talkative... sad.). Ooooh and I watched L.A. Ink and Jason Mraz was in the show and got a piece done by Kat!!! I was quite happy to see him, I must say. As he is fond of hats, I am fond of him, hahaha :)
Okay bedtime, now.
Nightnight!
Sonntag, 18. April 2010
April 18th
He snored into my ear all night. I'd say, he's never been this loud... Hmh, but I slept well.
Alarm went off at 7 a.m. Time to get up. We tried to put it off, but time doesn't stop for anyone, so we eventually got up 10 to 8, got ready and looked for my train home until Flex called at 8.30 that he's in front of Andy's house and he should come down.
I peeked out of the window and there it was, the shiny white Audi R8 that belongs to Flex' dad. That car always takes my breath away... I don't know why and I can't control it. Same thing with Andy. We looked outside and stopped breathing until Andy said "You can see it from up close, let's go downstairs." So we did.
Usually, when Flex and I meet, we hug and he twirls me and I've always loved that about him. One time, we almost fell over! Anyway, none of that happened, today. I hadn't seen him in a while and he seems to have changed. Many people have told me that, but now that I saw it, it was just sad. The reson we got up so early and Flex and his dad were in his driveway was that they had tickets for a soccer game in Dortmund and they drove there seperately - Flex and his dad in the R8, Andy in his Civic. He dove right back home the same day, after the game.
We said bye, I had to walk past the R8 (making weird noises of excitement), they drove off (more weird noises of excitement), I walked to the train station and took the 9:05 a.m. train back home.
Right when I got home, Steffi texted me to call her. She had good news about our hostel in London and I cancelled our previous reservation as she booked the new cheaper hostel in downtown London (which doesn't only save us money, but also time, since we don't have to sit on the tube for 20minutes every day to get to downtown!).
Andy came online from the road and told me that everything was going smooth and that they took a break, but now they're about to go back on the Autobahn to Dortmund. Nice guy.
At around 1.15, I took the bus to get to central station, from where I had to take a tram and another bus to get to the best ice cream place in all Chemnitz. I would have been right on time, but I took the wrong tram... same number, different direction.. ohh shoot me! I walked back to central station, got on the right tram and tried again. I was like 15minutes late, but Steffi didn't mind. She had her dog with her, Lotte. Restless little thing. I got the best ice cream ever, Whipped Cream Cookie and Honey Sesame. Absolutely delicious! We walked through the park, since that dog can't stand still, and after Lotte had made a mess out of herself, Steffi drove me back to central station and I walked home from there. Bright sunlight and the first day to wear shorts made me decide so.
Back at home, I put the soccer game on live ticker (my dad actually called when Dortmund scored JUST to tell me that. So cute!) and waited for news from Andy either during intermission or after the game, though I knew the last thing he'd think about at or after such a game would be chatting online with his cell phone, haha. Sure enough, no news.
My mom went to bed and after she got up, we got ready for inline skating and headed out to meet with a friend of hers. There is this beautiful cycle-skate-walk way along the river Chemnitz and while they skated slow and talked about work and yard, I plucked my ears with Lady Gaga and Stromae and took off :)
1 1/2 hours later, we were quite tired and hungry, so we went back home... No news from Andy. To tell you, I was quite worried this morning about him driving such a long way all by himself. Anyway, mom and I watched a movie and around 11 p.m., Andy called to tell me that he's on the road and the navi just told him that he'll be home in an hour. Nice guy. I went to bed, and half an hour after midnight, he texted me that he just got home. Nice guy. I fell asleep about 2 seconds after wishing him a good night.
Dang, I care about that guy's well-being too much.
Alarm went off at 7 a.m. Time to get up. We tried to put it off, but time doesn't stop for anyone, so we eventually got up 10 to 8, got ready and looked for my train home until Flex called at 8.30 that he's in front of Andy's house and he should come down.
I peeked out of the window and there it was, the shiny white Audi R8 that belongs to Flex' dad. That car always takes my breath away... I don't know why and I can't control it. Same thing with Andy. We looked outside and stopped breathing until Andy said "You can see it from up close, let's go downstairs." So we did.
Usually, when Flex and I meet, we hug and he twirls me and I've always loved that about him. One time, we almost fell over! Anyway, none of that happened, today. I hadn't seen him in a while and he seems to have changed. Many people have told me that, but now that I saw it, it was just sad. The reson we got up so early and Flex and his dad were in his driveway was that they had tickets for a soccer game in Dortmund and they drove there seperately - Flex and his dad in the R8, Andy in his Civic. He dove right back home the same day, after the game.
We said bye, I had to walk past the R8 (making weird noises of excitement), they drove off (more weird noises of excitement), I walked to the train station and took the 9:05 a.m. train back home.
Right when I got home, Steffi texted me to call her. She had good news about our hostel in London and I cancelled our previous reservation as she booked the new cheaper hostel in downtown London (which doesn't only save us money, but also time, since we don't have to sit on the tube for 20minutes every day to get to downtown!).
Andy came online from the road and told me that everything was going smooth and that they took a break, but now they're about to go back on the Autobahn to Dortmund. Nice guy.
At around 1.15, I took the bus to get to central station, from where I had to take a tram and another bus to get to the best ice cream place in all Chemnitz. I would have been right on time, but I took the wrong tram... same number, different direction.. ohh shoot me! I walked back to central station, got on the right tram and tried again. I was like 15minutes late, but Steffi didn't mind. She had her dog with her, Lotte. Restless little thing. I got the best ice cream ever, Whipped Cream Cookie and Honey Sesame. Absolutely delicious! We walked through the park, since that dog can't stand still, and after Lotte had made a mess out of herself, Steffi drove me back to central station and I walked home from there. Bright sunlight and the first day to wear shorts made me decide so.
Back at home, I put the soccer game on live ticker (my dad actually called when Dortmund scored JUST to tell me that. So cute!) and waited for news from Andy either during intermission or after the game, though I knew the last thing he'd think about at or after such a game would be chatting online with his cell phone, haha. Sure enough, no news.
My mom went to bed and after she got up, we got ready for inline skating and headed out to meet with a friend of hers. There is this beautiful cycle-skate-walk way along the river Chemnitz and while they skated slow and talked about work and yard, I plucked my ears with Lady Gaga and Stromae and took off :)
1 1/2 hours later, we were quite tired and hungry, so we went back home... No news from Andy. To tell you, I was quite worried this morning about him driving such a long way all by himself. Anyway, mom and I watched a movie and around 11 p.m., Andy called to tell me that he's on the road and the navi just told him that he'll be home in an hour. Nice guy. I went to bed, and half an hour after midnight, he texted me that he just got home. Nice guy. I fell asleep about 2 seconds after wishing him a good night.
Dang, I care about that guy's well-being too much.
April 17th
I got up around noon when my dad called, researched recipes for my cooking class on monday and had lunch/breakfast with my mom. Then, I took a long shower, too long in fact, and had to drive to the Buschfunk where I met with Steffi to talk about our trip to London in June. Well, neither did she know I had a license, nor that I took driving lessons at all! Her face was a BLAST to see. That was one of the main reasons I went to driving school at all. To see Steffi's face when she sees me driving. She was a bit disappointed that EVERYONE knew except for her, but she got over it, haha. Now, she wants to go clubbing, since I can drive her home.
Okay, so we talked about all the things we want to do in London and we came to the conclusion that 5 days aren't nearly enough to get the chance to see everything, even less, because from our hostel we have a 20minute tube-ride to downtown London... not cool.
She then drove me to Andy's house (after I drove to the bar, mom drove the car back home. Remember, I'm not allowed to drive on my own, since my mom is an overprotective fear-freak, haha.). A few people sat in his yard drinking beer and talking about the army (3 of them are soldiers in training). I just sat down and listened until they were all gone. Andy kind of made them leave, haha. Big day tomorrow, gotta get as much sleep as he can!
As they got in their cars and drove off, Andy and I collected the empty bottles off the table and the floor and went upstairs and straight to bed. As I said, he had to get as much sleep as he could- big day tomorrow.
Okay, so we talked about all the things we want to do in London and we came to the conclusion that 5 days aren't nearly enough to get the chance to see everything, even less, because from our hostel we have a 20minute tube-ride to downtown London... not cool.
She then drove me to Andy's house (after I drove to the bar, mom drove the car back home. Remember, I'm not allowed to drive on my own, since my mom is an overprotective fear-freak, haha.). A few people sat in his yard drinking beer and talking about the army (3 of them are soldiers in training). I just sat down and listened until they were all gone. Andy kind of made them leave, haha. Big day tomorrow, gotta get as much sleep as he can!
As they got in their cars and drove off, Andy and I collected the empty bottles off the table and the floor and went upstairs and straight to bed. As I said, he had to get as much sleep as he could- big day tomorrow.
Samstag, 17. April 2010
April 16th
I started decorating my Petits Fours this morning and only got 5 done before I had to go to work. 1 for my mom and the other 4 for my colleagues at work. Everyone said they tasted perfect *sigh of relief* !!! After work, I decorated the rest of them. All in all, it's 24 'small cakes' and I ate 2 of them and I think they are sooo good. Amazing recipe!
Then, I researched London sights until my head burst, watched tv, occasionally talked to Andy, and then went to bed between 4 and 5 a.m.
Day over.
Then, I researched London sights until my head burst, watched tv, occasionally talked to Andy, and then went to bed between 4 and 5 a.m.
Day over.
Donnerstag, 15. April 2010
April 15th
So not covering the Petits Fours, today... waited waaay too long for that.
Germany's Next Top Model was on and priotities shifted there, haha.
Anyway, conducting(?) a dancing class was pretty fun, we danced the chicken dance and refreshed some disco fox. Aaand we took some photos on my laptop, which I totally left at work. Craap.
After work, Steffi came over and we, wait for it, booked our trip to London!!! Aaaaaamaaazing!!!
From June 19th to June 24th, 5 lovely days and hopefully not too rainy!
Oh my God. I just realized. Oh no. In July, have 2 festivals in one weekend. Craaaaaap!!!
There's "Songs on a summer evening" in Bad Staffelstein/Banz' monastery and Ankerberg and they're on the same weekend. My mom got tickets for Banz and we're going with some friends of hers... it would be my first time and we'd be camping... Ankerberg is a rowdy heavy-drinking kind of festival on a raceway near Chemnitz, I'd sleep at a friends' house (whichever one) and it'd be my third time there... Oh and I'd be going with a big group of friends...
Craaaaaaaap I don't knoooooooooooowwwww!!!!!! I have no idea which one to go to. My mom got the tickets as a present and, I mean, she can take whomever she wants and she asked me if I'd want to, but if she has someone else who needs a card... I won't be in her way. I love the music there and I always watch that festival on tv, but it has never, since I started watching it, been on the same weekend as Ankerberg!
As a person who cares too much and feels overly protective of their friends, I would much rather go to the Ankerberg festival, because I know they're gonna be drunk as heck and do all kinds of stupid stuff (helloooooo kiss of last year and hellooooooo sprained ankle. and mud. lots of mud and rain.) and I'd feel much better when knowing that they're safe.
But also, as a person, who enjoys good music and the sight of Bodo Wartke playing the piano (*drool giggle awe*), I would also love to go to this indie sitting-on-plastic-bags-with-a-bottle-of-wine festival. BUT it's camping.
Ankerberg is just dirty. You go home, take a shower and cuddle up in blankets after the party is over...
Banz is freezing your butt off, sleeping in a tent next to your mom and her friends and feeling gross and dirty kind of thing...
As I said, I'd do both, but since they are on the same weekend... I would probably miss out on Banz for the sake of my friends' well-being. I know how they can get. Yeees, they'll survive without me... but why count on it? In Banz, I'd be worried all night if they all got home safe and didn't end at the ER at 3 a.m. with a sprained ankle, like Andy did, last year. Last year was fun, no doubt. I enjoyed it, it was awkward at times, REALLY awkward twice and stressfull in the end... but everyone, including me, had an absolute blast.
Recently, I looked at pictures I took last year with some people there and some of the guys I had barely met, are now know so well.
Take AJ. I had met him once before at a club and I remember us talking about what it matters where you come from and how it changes the way people look at you. Really interesting and I remember thinking 'Oh wow, he's ACTUALLY smart! Much smarter than the rest of the bunch.' At the festival, we took a picutre with some other friends. Now, almost a year later, when Andy is being an ass to me and AJ hears about it, he steps in for me, tells Andy off and tells me that I deserve so much better :) We've grown closer together totally without any kind of physical relationship, a situation I prouldy smile upon, because it's so perfect that way. And he started dating one of my best friends, Mäddi, too, which is very very nice to see. They're so effin' perfect, haha.
Andy and I last year, compared to this year, is just a whole new level. Ankerberg-friday at, say 8p.m., we were best friends, met at a party through friends, started chatting online, hardly met each other again for years. At maybe midnight, I knew the time of this sweet innocence in this friendship would soon be over and now it's just way too different from back then.
With Helge, it was just like with AJ. He was my best friend's best friend and that was it. I met him the same evening I met AJ and I know he liked my curves, that's all. Now, I'd say we're good friends and I care a lot about him.
So weird, all the things that can change in the matter of just one year. The crazy stories of my life...
Germany's Next Top Model was on and priotities shifted there, haha.
Anyway, conducting(?) a dancing class was pretty fun, we danced the chicken dance and refreshed some disco fox. Aaand we took some photos on my laptop, which I totally left at work. Craap.
After work, Steffi came over and we, wait for it, booked our trip to London!!! Aaaaaamaaazing!!!
From June 19th to June 24th, 5 lovely days and hopefully not too rainy!
Oh my God. I just realized. Oh no. In July, have 2 festivals in one weekend. Craaaaaap!!!
There's "Songs on a summer evening" in Bad Staffelstein/Banz' monastery and Ankerberg and they're on the same weekend. My mom got tickets for Banz and we're going with some friends of hers... it would be my first time and we'd be camping... Ankerberg is a rowdy heavy-drinking kind of festival on a raceway near Chemnitz, I'd sleep at a friends' house (whichever one) and it'd be my third time there... Oh and I'd be going with a big group of friends...
Craaaaaaaap I don't knoooooooooooowwwww!!!!!! I have no idea which one to go to. My mom got the tickets as a present and, I mean, she can take whomever she wants and she asked me if I'd want to, but if she has someone else who needs a card... I won't be in her way. I love the music there and I always watch that festival on tv, but it has never, since I started watching it, been on the same weekend as Ankerberg!
As a person who cares too much and feels overly protective of their friends, I would much rather go to the Ankerberg festival, because I know they're gonna be drunk as heck and do all kinds of stupid stuff (helloooooo kiss of last year and hellooooooo sprained ankle. and mud. lots of mud and rain.) and I'd feel much better when knowing that they're safe.
But also, as a person, who enjoys good music and the sight of Bodo Wartke playing the piano (*drool giggle awe*), I would also love to go to this indie sitting-on-plastic-bags-with-a-bottle-of-wine festival. BUT it's camping.
Ankerberg is just dirty. You go home, take a shower and cuddle up in blankets after the party is over...
Banz is freezing your butt off, sleeping in a tent next to your mom and her friends and feeling gross and dirty kind of thing...
As I said, I'd do both, but since they are on the same weekend... I would probably miss out on Banz for the sake of my friends' well-being. I know how they can get. Yeees, they'll survive without me... but why count on it? In Banz, I'd be worried all night if they all got home safe and didn't end at the ER at 3 a.m. with a sprained ankle, like Andy did, last year. Last year was fun, no doubt. I enjoyed it, it was awkward at times, REALLY awkward twice and stressfull in the end... but everyone, including me, had an absolute blast.
Recently, I looked at pictures I took last year with some people there and some of the guys I had barely met, are now know so well.
Take AJ. I had met him once before at a club and I remember us talking about what it matters where you come from and how it changes the way people look at you. Really interesting and I remember thinking 'Oh wow, he's ACTUALLY smart! Much smarter than the rest of the bunch.' At the festival, we took a picutre with some other friends. Now, almost a year later, when Andy is being an ass to me and AJ hears about it, he steps in for me, tells Andy off and tells me that I deserve so much better :) We've grown closer together totally without any kind of physical relationship, a situation I prouldy smile upon, because it's so perfect that way. And he started dating one of my best friends, Mäddi, too, which is very very nice to see. They're so effin' perfect, haha.
Andy and I last year, compared to this year, is just a whole new level. Ankerberg-friday at, say 8p.m., we were best friends, met at a party through friends, started chatting online, hardly met each other again for years. At maybe midnight, I knew the time of this sweet innocence in this friendship would soon be over and now it's just way too different from back then.
With Helge, it was just like with AJ. He was my best friend's best friend and that was it. I met him the same evening I met AJ and I know he liked my curves, that's all. Now, I'd say we're good friends and I care a lot about him.
So weird, all the things that can change in the matter of just one year. The crazy stories of my life...
Mittwoch, 14. April 2010
April 14th
So sorry I forgot to blog 3 days in a row!
I'm making Petits Fours :)
For next week, I have to find a french dinner recipe for cooking class. I'll be the teacher, which is something I have been scared of and still am. Cooking teacher. I can barely get water to boil, haha. Baking is waay more fun, I think. But ya gotta feed 'em!
As I reasearched recipes, I found Petits Fours and though I know that we can't make them for desert on Monday, because they have to rest for 24hours, I still wanted to knock myself out on pralinés. So, I did. I grocery-shopped marzipan and marmelade and just finished the first round! They'll be 6 stories high and covered in white chocolate. Are you jealous yet, invisible non-existant reader of my blog? haha
I know I'd be.
Anyway, I think I started them off completely wrong. The recipe called for 10 minutes at 210°C in the oven... I pre-heated the oven to 210, but turned it down to 150 once I put the dough in... and after 10 minutes, it still looke raw... So, I ended up baking the dough for 20-25minutes and it turned crisp, like a cracker! Aaaaaaaaaargh! We'll see how they turn out tomorrow night when I finish them. I'M SOO EXCITED!!!
As for the last 3 days, I don't even know where they went. I didn't even get to watch prison break, that's how busy I was. Busy working, eating and sleeping. Sorry... not that anyone cares, haha.
Oh, and on Monday, we'll make 2 vegetable-Quichés and Crepés with Camembért-filling for desert. Yes, everything with an "é" hahahaha!!!
I'm making Petits Fours :)
For next week, I have to find a french dinner recipe for cooking class. I'll be the teacher, which is something I have been scared of and still am. Cooking teacher. I can barely get water to boil, haha. Baking is waay more fun, I think. But ya gotta feed 'em!
As I reasearched recipes, I found Petits Fours and though I know that we can't make them for desert on Monday, because they have to rest for 24hours, I still wanted to knock myself out on pralinés. So, I did. I grocery-shopped marzipan and marmelade and just finished the first round! They'll be 6 stories high and covered in white chocolate. Are you jealous yet, invisible non-existant reader of my blog? haha
I know I'd be.
Anyway, I think I started them off completely wrong. The recipe called for 10 minutes at 210°C in the oven... I pre-heated the oven to 210, but turned it down to 150 once I put the dough in... and after 10 minutes, it still looke raw... So, I ended up baking the dough for 20-25minutes and it turned crisp, like a cracker! Aaaaaaaaaargh! We'll see how they turn out tomorrow night when I finish them. I'M SOO EXCITED!!!
As for the last 3 days, I don't even know where they went. I didn't even get to watch prison break, that's how busy I was. Busy working, eating and sleeping. Sorry... not that anyone cares, haha.
Oh, and on Monday, we'll make 2 vegetable-Quichés and Crepés with Camembért-filling for desert. Yes, everything with an "é" hahahaha!!!
Sonntag, 11. April 2010
April 11th
Mom woke me up, we went to church, she let me drive back home and I made her pancakes for breakfast. Since then, we've been laying around on the couch watching prison break. It's starting to bore me a bit. And gross me out, too. All this violene, man, not my style. Andy hasn't been talking to me all day, though he's online, but, I mean, seriously, eff that. I talked to Helge this morning and when he told me where he was and what he did last night, he used 'we', which I guess includes Andy, so.. who knows why Andy doesn't talk to me. I kind of expected him to call last night while walking home from some party or whatever, but nothing happened.
All I know is that I dislike this silent treatment. At least, have the guts to fight with me to have a reason for ignoring me, geez, don't just not talk to me when I have no clue why that is.
It's days like these that make me realize that, if he'd care, if he'd really care about me, he wouldn't do this. He'd at least tell me why he can't or won't talk to me. I deserve better, don't I?!
I need to bake cookies for work tomorrow.
...Okay end-of-day update, I didn't bake cookies. Crap.
Silent treatment turned out to be 'logged on, but not at home'. Yeah whatever. He talked to me like nothing happened and I played angry. I do that, because I don't want him to think that he can get away with whatever. I mean, we didn't talk all yesterday and when I wrote to him he didn't respond and didn't even apologize for it when we finally did talk, today. All he said was "hehehe I wasn't home hehehe" ... So when I'm hurt, it usually stops once he says something. Usually, it's over instantly, so let's forget about it. But I want to make him feel that he did me wrong. Which sucks on my part for playing, but also on his for doing whatever he did to deserve this. Not that it influences his behaviour in any way. Stupid boy.
Nevertheless, it didn't work, he was busy being selfish and non-apologetical.
Days like these that make me want to just leave this place.
I miss you America. I miss everything about you. There's something special about the smell of a summer breeze in Virginia, that makes me want to smell it every day for the rest of my life. It's fresh and sweet, a bit chocolatey and it reminds me of a clean baby. Clean babies smell to die for.
I miss my family there, all my (non-biological) siblings running around, host-mommy and host-daddy, my doggy, painting walls, baking, church, bingo, going to the movies with friends... The lean life of worry-free teenage vacationers. All those facts make me point my finger at America on a map and say "Home."
All I know is that I dislike this silent treatment. At least, have the guts to fight with me to have a reason for ignoring me, geez, don't just not talk to me when I have no clue why that is.
It's days like these that make me realize that, if he'd care, if he'd really care about me, he wouldn't do this. He'd at least tell me why he can't or won't talk to me. I deserve better, don't I?!
I need to bake cookies for work tomorrow.
...Okay end-of-day update, I didn't bake cookies. Crap.
Silent treatment turned out to be 'logged on, but not at home'. Yeah whatever. He talked to me like nothing happened and I played angry. I do that, because I don't want him to think that he can get away with whatever. I mean, we didn't talk all yesterday and when I wrote to him he didn't respond and didn't even apologize for it when we finally did talk, today. All he said was "hehehe I wasn't home hehehe" ... So when I'm hurt, it usually stops once he says something. Usually, it's over instantly, so let's forget about it. But I want to make him feel that he did me wrong. Which sucks on my part for playing, but also on his for doing whatever he did to deserve this. Not that it influences his behaviour in any way. Stupid boy.
Nevertheless, it didn't work, he was busy being selfish and non-apologetical.
Days like these that make me want to just leave this place.
I miss you America. I miss everything about you. There's something special about the smell of a summer breeze in Virginia, that makes me want to smell it every day for the rest of my life. It's fresh and sweet, a bit chocolatey and it reminds me of a clean baby. Clean babies smell to die for.
I miss my family there, all my (non-biological) siblings running around, host-mommy and host-daddy, my doggy, painting walls, baking, church, bingo, going to the movies with friends... The lean life of worry-free teenage vacationers. All those facts make me point my finger at America on a map and say "Home."
Samstag, 10. April 2010
April 10th
This morning, I woke up and Steffen was here. He's my mom's ex and they were planning to go to home depot whatever and buy stuff for our garden. Anyway, we ate breakfast and they left. I wanted to go to IKEA like reeeally badly. I love IKEA. So when my mom got back from yardworking, she said I could drive to IKEA if I wanted to go there so badly. So, I did and it was lovely. The car went out once and I still have trouble starting a gas-car (I miss my diesel), but everything went over lovely and we got there save. Also, I parked the car effin perfect in the overcrowded IKEA parking lot. So bam!
We strolled around though the furniture and stole pencils (just kidding, they're free), ate lunch at their restaurant (amazing Schnitzel) and ended up buying some kitchen stuff for me, since I bake a lot.
Mom drove home, it would have been too good to be true if she'd let me drive twice in one day, haha.
On our way home, we saw my uncle waiting at a bus stop, so we picked him up and took him home with us. Later, we bought him clothes online and after he left, we planted my pumpkins (my nerd-hobby for the year) and watched Prison Break. I started watching it this morning and since then watched 4 episodes of the first season. It's well-done and interesting, but I can't quite say that I love it, yet... I don't know why. Maybe that'll change...
Okay and now, I'm going to go to bed... Andy is online but he doesn't reply my IMs, so there's no reason for me to stay up. It's his grandma's birthday... not that I think that they're still celebrating at 11.30 p.m., but who knows...
We strolled around though the furniture and stole pencils (just kidding, they're free), ate lunch at their restaurant (amazing Schnitzel) and ended up buying some kitchen stuff for me, since I bake a lot.
Mom drove home, it would have been too good to be true if she'd let me drive twice in one day, haha.
On our way home, we saw my uncle waiting at a bus stop, so we picked him up and took him home with us. Later, we bought him clothes online and after he left, we planted my pumpkins (my nerd-hobby for the year) and watched Prison Break. I started watching it this morning and since then watched 4 episodes of the first season. It's well-done and interesting, but I can't quite say that I love it, yet... I don't know why. Maybe that'll change...
Okay and now, I'm going to go to bed... Andy is online but he doesn't reply my IMs, so there's no reason for me to stay up. It's his grandma's birthday... not that I think that they're still celebrating at 11.30 p.m., but who knows...
April 9th
I really enjoy blogging. Just not on weekdays, somehow. I like to write a couple of lines when I'm bored or excited, angry or sad... But on weekdays, such as this one, I just wanna get to bed and get some shut eye... Not that my job is extremely tiring, which it totally isn't, I have the best job in the world, but I come home at 7, eat, watch tv, talk to Andy and watch movies and once he's off and in bed, I finish my movie and head to bed as well. Currently, I'm talking to Nini, who's jealous as I send her pictures of the cocktail party we held at work, today. Our cocktails did look pretty sweet and we made quite some money, but work is work. It's tiring.
So I'm headin' to bed.
Night y'all.
So I'm headin' to bed.
Night y'all.
Donnerstag, 8. April 2010
April 8th
Notsome day.
Phone woke me up at 9, I tanned for 2 1/2 hours in the kitchen, baked rolls as a surprise for my mom when she comes home from work, went to work - drumming. While my boss made instruments, I cleaned everything and after some tanning and discussing personal matters with guests (like, 'I missbehaved and now, they're giving me less salary. Boohoo, how did I deserve such evil fate?!'), we went to drumming class. It went.. okay, I guess. For disabled people, it went okay. No rythm whatsoever, I nearly went crazy. Not made for this stuff, seriously. No tolerance for non-rythm-feeling people at all, sorry.
Some more chillin' in the sun and some working and it was already time to go home :)
Watched Germany's Next TopModel with my mom and cracked up over weird photoshootings until she went to bed just now. I'm sitting here, ready to go to bed, just typing this very quickly. Andy already went to bed, too. Told him that my dad called to ask me if he can come over saturday to buy me a flat for my room. Thankfully rejected the offer. Buy me car insurance or, better yet, a car, and I'll be happier than with a flatscreen tv in my room. No need for that. We have nice one in the living room, which is good enough for my mom AND me, so no need for another one.
I's like to have 'gingerly' blush by M.A.C. ... He can buy me that. Saves him lots of money and makes me happy, too. Andy was a bit pissed... he wants me to have a flat in my room so we can watch movies from his external hard drive... thanks man, but no thanks. Besides, that wall would break down if I'd hang a flat from it. Sad story of my life...
Oh and this woman in an electric wheel chair came to work today to celebrate her birthday with some friends and she claimed to only have owned this wheel chair not too long, but in fact, she's been having it for over a year and girl can't drive this thing at all. She ran into walls, doors, tables, chairs, people, everything!!! I thought about getting her out of it and driving it myself just to get it out of our club! My boss was furious and just bursted when she finally made it out of the door. That woman really needs lessons on how to drive her nice electric wheel chair.
Phone woke me up at 9, I tanned for 2 1/2 hours in the kitchen, baked rolls as a surprise for my mom when she comes home from work, went to work - drumming. While my boss made instruments, I cleaned everything and after some tanning and discussing personal matters with guests (like, 'I missbehaved and now, they're giving me less salary. Boohoo, how did I deserve such evil fate?!'), we went to drumming class. It went.. okay, I guess. For disabled people, it went okay. No rythm whatsoever, I nearly went crazy. Not made for this stuff, seriously. No tolerance for non-rythm-feeling people at all, sorry.
Some more chillin' in the sun and some working and it was already time to go home :)
Watched Germany's Next TopModel with my mom and cracked up over weird photoshootings until she went to bed just now. I'm sitting here, ready to go to bed, just typing this very quickly. Andy already went to bed, too. Told him that my dad called to ask me if he can come over saturday to buy me a flat for my room. Thankfully rejected the offer. Buy me car insurance or, better yet, a car, and I'll be happier than with a flatscreen tv in my room. No need for that. We have nice one in the living room, which is good enough for my mom AND me, so no need for another one.
I's like to have 'gingerly' blush by M.A.C. ... He can buy me that. Saves him lots of money and makes me happy, too. Andy was a bit pissed... he wants me to have a flat in my room so we can watch movies from his external hard drive... thanks man, but no thanks. Besides, that wall would break down if I'd hang a flat from it. Sad story of my life...
Oh and this woman in an electric wheel chair came to work today to celebrate her birthday with some friends and she claimed to only have owned this wheel chair not too long, but in fact, she's been having it for over a year and girl can't drive this thing at all. She ran into walls, doors, tables, chairs, people, everything!!! I thought about getting her out of it and driving it myself just to get it out of our club! My boss was furious and just bursted when she finally made it out of the door. That woman really needs lessons on how to drive her nice electric wheel chair.
Mittwoch, 7. April 2010
April 7th
Today was awesome. I went to work perfectly prepaired, got to lay out in the sun and tan for almost 2 hours, had an okay time teaching english (I have the advanced class and it was the first lesson, but I thought they were a little more advanced than they turned out to be... Oops.), went home to my mom, had dinner and spent the evening watching greys anatomy, pricate practise and good wife. Talking to Andy was kinda notsome, because he was gone most of the time. Watching soccer, no disruption please. I get it.
I told hm about my mom and her problem of accepting me having a license. Sure, insurance issues need to be cleared and it seems like they'll work it out this friday, but geez, she won't let me drive places on my own!!! I have a license for goodness' sake, I am legally allowed to take a car wherever I freaking want to BY MYSELF! An authorized tester judged my driving and concluded that I am capable of handling a car on the road alone. Why doesn't my mom understand that?
I know she's worried about her daughter growing up, but that's a bit too much love for my taste. When I asked her what she'd do to prevent an accident, she almost cried and screamed "I don't want to visit you in the ER and I surely don't want to visit you in the mortuary, because I can't yell at you anymore when you're dead!!! But be sure, I'll punch your dead body if you die."
Thanks for caring. STOP IT.
I asked Andy what he thinks and I have to hand it to him, though the guy has many flaws, he's incredebly honest and straigh foreward. He's known to be the worst judge for appropriate clothing, because he'll tell you you look fat in red, if you look fat in red. And he won't be pretty about it. However, I asked him and he said he trusts me behind the wheel. *deep breath* Good. At least one more person on my trusting list. That makes... 2. Including me.
Yeah... story of my life.
I told hm about my mom and her problem of accepting me having a license. Sure, insurance issues need to be cleared and it seems like they'll work it out this friday, but geez, she won't let me drive places on my own!!! I have a license for goodness' sake, I am legally allowed to take a car wherever I freaking want to BY MYSELF! An authorized tester judged my driving and concluded that I am capable of handling a car on the road alone. Why doesn't my mom understand that?
I know she's worried about her daughter growing up, but that's a bit too much love for my taste. When I asked her what she'd do to prevent an accident, she almost cried and screamed "I don't want to visit you in the ER and I surely don't want to visit you in the mortuary, because I can't yell at you anymore when you're dead!!! But be sure, I'll punch your dead body if you die."
Thanks for caring. STOP IT.
I asked Andy what he thinks and I have to hand it to him, though the guy has many flaws, he's incredebly honest and straigh foreward. He's known to be the worst judge for appropriate clothing, because he'll tell you you look fat in red, if you look fat in red. And he won't be pretty about it. However, I asked him and he said he trusts me behind the wheel. *deep breath* Good. At least one more person on my trusting list. That makes... 2. Including me.
Yeah... story of my life.
Dienstag, 6. April 2010
April 6th
At work, I deal with all kinds of mental disabilities. I enjoy watching them interact and discovered a love for people with autism. They have such odd personalities! My favorite one has the need of saying hello or good bye and shaking hands with EVERYONE who comes in or leaves. Further more, he sits in the same chair everytime and always orders coffee and a baguette with mushrooms. He's a quiet man, but out of the blue, he says "brown and white cows" or "black and white cows" and I crack up every time!
It people like him who make my life brighter. Watching him be. Just sitting there blurting out phrases. He does say full sentences and he has a memory that is just astounding, but he still, though in his 40s, lives with his mother.
I tanned, today. I start working at 1, but the club doesn't open until 3.3o, so after we clean yesterday's messes, we pretty much don't have anything to do other than peparing our activities for the week. Since I was done with that, I went out on the back porch and just stood there for a while. We cooked, today. We made spaghetti and homemde tomato sauce, which was really delicious. My mom went off to a girl's night out with her friends, so I'm sitting here watching "Lie to Me". Miserably. ... And I just remembered that we have ice cream in the freezer. Laters!
You know, sometimes, I think I have the wrong friends. I mean, I know I do, but I am too clingy and too lazy to change that. The guys I've been hanging out with for the past, I don't know, year, just isn't the right crowd for me. As ego-driven as that sounds, but they're too low-life for me. They drink, they make dirty jokes, they do stupid stuff... Sometimes, I really don't like being friends with them at all. I want to change them, because they are such good people. They just make poor decisions all the time! Other times, I really like them...
I just don't know what to do. I like good-guy-Andy. Asshole-Andy is not the guy I want to spend time with. Not the one I want to wake up next to. But I find myself waking up at his side a lot. Too many times, I ask myself why I keep doing this and too many times I have no answer. I watch his face as he sleeps and memorize all the little scars and moles in his face and think about how much of a better person he could be without the alcohol. And I am happy to sometimes see a glimpse of that person when he sleeps. Then he wakes up, Helge calls and I want to hide from that immature boy next to me. Horrible cycle of my life right there. I want to help him change from boy to man, but the process is so slow and I am very impatient...
Gotta learn to be more patient. And less cuddly.
It people like him who make my life brighter. Watching him be. Just sitting there blurting out phrases. He does say full sentences and he has a memory that is just astounding, but he still, though in his 40s, lives with his mother.
I tanned, today. I start working at 1, but the club doesn't open until 3.3o, so after we clean yesterday's messes, we pretty much don't have anything to do other than peparing our activities for the week. Since I was done with that, I went out on the back porch and just stood there for a while. We cooked, today. We made spaghetti and homemde tomato sauce, which was really delicious. My mom went off to a girl's night out with her friends, so I'm sitting here watching "Lie to Me". Miserably. ... And I just remembered that we have ice cream in the freezer. Laters!
You know, sometimes, I think I have the wrong friends. I mean, I know I do, but I am too clingy and too lazy to change that. The guys I've been hanging out with for the past, I don't know, year, just isn't the right crowd for me. As ego-driven as that sounds, but they're too low-life for me. They drink, they make dirty jokes, they do stupid stuff... Sometimes, I really don't like being friends with them at all. I want to change them, because they are such good people. They just make poor decisions all the time! Other times, I really like them...
I just don't know what to do. I like good-guy-Andy. Asshole-Andy is not the guy I want to spend time with. Not the one I want to wake up next to. But I find myself waking up at his side a lot. Too many times, I ask myself why I keep doing this and too many times I have no answer. I watch his face as he sleeps and memorize all the little scars and moles in his face and think about how much of a better person he could be without the alcohol. And I am happy to sometimes see a glimpse of that person when he sleeps. Then he wakes up, Helge calls and I want to hide from that immature boy next to me. Horrible cycle of my life right there. I want to help him change from boy to man, but the process is so slow and I am very impatient...
Gotta learn to be more patient. And less cuddly.
Montag, 5. April 2010
April 5th
Another boring day is over. Time for a blogpost. Not that it'll be interesting or readable in any form, but it's BEDA and I have nothing else to write, so here I go: Andy called last night... As usual. I mean, on weekends, he either comes over after a party or he drunk-calls me. Again, it's late at night. I know I shouldn't let him do that all the time, but that's a different story...
However, he called me after everyone left his house telling me what happened at the party and whatever. About halfway through the conversation, his phone died. He called me again some minutes later, we ended our talk and went back to sleep. It was like... 3 a.m.? Probably.
Monday, I baked rolls again and my mom and I took them to my grandma's at coffee hour. 3 p.m. There, I hid my license for my grandma, because she didn't know about it, yet. She was very happy. We went home, watched movies and I went to bed. Not very exciting either.
I know I shouldn't let him in when he comes over and I know I shouldn't let him wake me that late at night and that I should be mad and all. It does annoy me that he's always drunk. We do talk when he's sober, that just never happens on weekends. It's something that I'd change right away if I had the ability to do so, but I accepted that I can't and that I just have to wait and be a friend until he grows up and realizes that he can't continue like this... I've never been drunk and I don't understand how people need alcohol to enjoy themselves. I mean, are they that uncomfortable with their appearance that they can only stand themselves when they're drunk? They are good people, they just have a problem. "They are tweenage boys", that's the excuse society invented for people like them. I'm there to do damage control and I enjoy watching out for them. I know I baby them and I shouldn't do that... I can't help it, so shoot me, geez. I have yet to find a way to not care about what happens to them.
However, he called me after everyone left his house telling me what happened at the party and whatever. About halfway through the conversation, his phone died. He called me again some minutes later, we ended our talk and went back to sleep. It was like... 3 a.m.? Probably.
Monday, I baked rolls again and my mom and I took them to my grandma's at coffee hour. 3 p.m. There, I hid my license for my grandma, because she didn't know about it, yet. She was very happy. We went home, watched movies and I went to bed. Not very exciting either.
I know I shouldn't let him in when he comes over and I know I shouldn't let him wake me that late at night and that I should be mad and all. It does annoy me that he's always drunk. We do talk when he's sober, that just never happens on weekends. It's something that I'd change right away if I had the ability to do so, but I accepted that I can't and that I just have to wait and be a friend until he grows up and realizes that he can't continue like this... I've never been drunk and I don't understand how people need alcohol to enjoy themselves. I mean, are they that uncomfortable with their appearance that they can only stand themselves when they're drunk? They are good people, they just have a problem. "They are tweenage boys", that's the excuse society invented for people like them. I'm there to do damage control and I enjoy watching out for them. I know I baby them and I shouldn't do that... I can't help it, so shoot me, geez. I have yet to find a way to not care about what happens to them.
April 4th
So after Andy was here friday night, my bed was a bit ruined to say the least. Boys. See, I have a big bed and a huge and heavy blanket. Comforter. Whatever. Like 3 covers on my bed and 3 pillows. Not saying that 3 people can sleep in my bed, it fits 2 people comfortably, no more, but I just have 3 pillows. Anyway, I never have to make my bed, because my blankets are so heavy and big that they hardly ever move an inch. He somehow always manages to mess up my covers completely. I washed my matress cover since I was already re-doing my bed and went to sleep.
Sunday morning, I missed the first bus to church. After I saw that there was only protestant mass on tv, I decided to take the second bus and be 10 minutes late rather than watching mass on tv. Church was packed, but I found a spot. I called my grandma after church as I walked to the bus station. Back home, I watched movies. Yeah, not an exciting day.
Sunday morning, I missed the first bus to church. After I saw that there was only protestant mass on tv, I decided to take the second bus and be 10 minutes late rather than watching mass on tv. Church was packed, but I found a spot. I called my grandma after church as I walked to the bus station. Back home, I watched movies. Yeah, not an exciting day.
April 3rd
I don't even know man... Friday night, I watched Mel Gibson's 'Passion' while pretty much 99% of my friends went to the bad taste party. Priorities. So, after a lot of crying (yes, I am a girl and that movie touches me a lot), I was really tired and was looking foreward to my lovely bed and my pillow and sleeeeeeep. Relaxation. But no. About 30 minutes after I went to bed, I get a text message. Shut up, I know what you want to say. Yes, I should turn my phone off at night, I knooow. But I'm like a mom for my friends and though the chance was rather small, I just knew that Andy would call me at the most holy hour (You can't really say "un"holy hour on good friday, right?) asking me to keep him awake or entertained. And oddly enough, I quite like talking to him. Also oddly enough, I got a text from him at like 2 a.m. asking if I'd like to talk to him. As usual, I said yes, because now that he woke me up I might as well talk to him. So, I text him back saying that he should call. I never call him, because it's free for him to call me, but not the other way around. Hah, I'm all good :)
Anyway, he texts me I should "endure" about 17 steps please. No wait, he didn't say please. I knew instantly what was up. He was in front of my house and since he doesn't want to ring that late, I should come down and open the door for his drunk self. I went to my window to look if he's not kidding me, not seeing anything. No light, no Andy, nothing. I text him "?" and he replies "Well, do you want me to ring the doorbell?". I give up and walk downstairs in my pjs and socks, open the door and... nothing. No Andy. I waited. I just stood there annoyed that he's not coming inside immediately so I can get back to bed. Then, I hear him laughing as he lurches to me from behind the mailboxes next to my door. Ughhh not funny. He looks like crap. I need a second to remember that it was a bad taste party and you're supposed to look crappy. We share a long and wonderful hug and then he counts the stairs as we walk up to my appartment. 20. At 17, he tries to take the last 3 steps all at once, tumbles, looses his balance and if it weren't for me, he would have fallen back down the last 10 stairs! Oooh drunk people...
Anyway he comes in and we fall into bed, because I was soo tired and last thing I ask him before I fall asleep is why he's even here and he says "10 guys are responsible for me getting thrown out of the club. The security guy came over asking me to leave and with the last piece of mind that I had left, I thought it might be healthier to follow him outside. Then, they wouldn't let me back in, so I thought I'll come to you. Took a taxi, cost me 6 bucks, and here I am. Aren't you happy to see me?" --- Needless to say I ignored his last question and proceeded to ask what he had done to get thrown out of the club. "I'll ask someone tomorrow, I can't remember." Yes, he was that drunk. Yes, I let him in my house. And in my bed. .. Geez, what do you expect? He stood outside my house at 2 a.m., where else could he go if I don't let him in? Should I leave him out there? Nooo that's not nice. I'm a nice person, I don't just leave people out on the street!
I slept like a baby, but I do remember that his phone rang a couple of times at night. I woke up, I think he was already awake, and soon after, Helge called to see where he's at. "I'm at Marie's." - "Again? Seriously, she let you in? Make her say something." I said good morning and he let it pass. Haha
He left close to noon, I baked and surprised my mom with bread and rolls when she got up. Oh, and she found out about my easter surprise I had for her. My license. She's my mother, she finds out everything and that just ruins everything, sometimes.
Anyway, he texts me I should "endure" about 17 steps please. No wait, he didn't say please. I knew instantly what was up. He was in front of my house and since he doesn't want to ring that late, I should come down and open the door for his drunk self. I went to my window to look if he's not kidding me, not seeing anything. No light, no Andy, nothing. I text him "?" and he replies "Well, do you want me to ring the doorbell?". I give up and walk downstairs in my pjs and socks, open the door and... nothing. No Andy. I waited. I just stood there annoyed that he's not coming inside immediately so I can get back to bed. Then, I hear him laughing as he lurches to me from behind the mailboxes next to my door. Ughhh not funny. He looks like crap. I need a second to remember that it was a bad taste party and you're supposed to look crappy. We share a long and wonderful hug and then he counts the stairs as we walk up to my appartment. 20. At 17, he tries to take the last 3 steps all at once, tumbles, looses his balance and if it weren't for me, he would have fallen back down the last 10 stairs! Oooh drunk people...
Anyway he comes in and we fall into bed, because I was soo tired and last thing I ask him before I fall asleep is why he's even here and he says "10 guys are responsible for me getting thrown out of the club. The security guy came over asking me to leave and with the last piece of mind that I had left, I thought it might be healthier to follow him outside. Then, they wouldn't let me back in, so I thought I'll come to you. Took a taxi, cost me 6 bucks, and here I am. Aren't you happy to see me?" --- Needless to say I ignored his last question and proceeded to ask what he had done to get thrown out of the club. "I'll ask someone tomorrow, I can't remember." Yes, he was that drunk. Yes, I let him in my house. And in my bed. .. Geez, what do you expect? He stood outside my house at 2 a.m., where else could he go if I don't let him in? Should I leave him out there? Nooo that's not nice. I'm a nice person, I don't just leave people out on the street!
I slept like a baby, but I do remember that his phone rang a couple of times at night. I woke up, I think he was already awake, and soon after, Helge called to see where he's at. "I'm at Marie's." - "Again? Seriously, she let you in? Make her say something." I said good morning and he let it pass. Haha
He left close to noon, I baked and surprised my mom with bread and rolls when she got up. Oh, and she found out about my easter surprise I had for her. My license. She's my mother, she finds out everything and that just ruins everything, sometimes.
Freitag, 2. April 2010
April 2nd
I am very lucky to have the family that I do. It's the perfect balance between strictness and trust. Between care and too much caring.
But sometimes, I lack appreciation for that. I am not alwas as nice to them as I should be. I find myself not caring about what happens to them or how my words affect them.
I am trying to get better, but I keep failing.
I want to make them proud.
...I start most of my sentences with 'I'...
This month will be used to get better at appreciating my family.
But sometimes, I lack appreciation for that. I am not alwas as nice to them as I should be. I find myself not caring about what happens to them or how my words affect them.
I am trying to get better, but I keep failing.
I want to make them proud.
...I start most of my sentences with 'I'...
This month will be used to get better at appreciating my family.
April 1st
Today is April 1st.
I'm lying, it's April 2nd. I just forgot it's BEDA. Anyway, I'm posting this for April 1st..
done.
I'm lying, it's April 2nd. I just forgot it's BEDA. Anyway, I'm posting this for April 1st..
done.
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