Chapeau, madame!

I'm thankful for the painless death of my grandma's sister. I'm thankful for everything she's taught me about her time in history, about the human psyche and about will-power.
I'm thankful for Steffi, who just keeps putting up with my blah blah and that she never agrees to something just to make me stop talking. Thank you for your own opinion, though it's almost never the same as mine ;)
I'm thankful for my mom, who is sleepy, but funny; caring, but good at letting me grow independent and loving, but not overpowering. She takes in soo much crap and yet basically never raises her voice.
I'm thankful for my hostfamily, who are incredible people (and Carson-diggy) and I cannot begin to imagine my life without them... no, I really can't. You have enriched my life in ways that I probably can't even capture completely, yet, and I feel very honored that you've done, and still do, all these things for me... "You's homies are like woah, ya know?!"
I'm thankful for Daniel, who looks through me like no one else I know. Not even Steffi or Andy. And he doesn't make me feel awkward. Luv, you're amazing, though I promised to not call you pet names, anymore. If there's ONE person on earth, I can talk to about literally e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, it's you. It has always been you. Some things never change. Like you, my friend. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my family. Though they're all crazy and old, unsocial and stuck up, they are still my family and I love them very much and I am lucky to have such a strong support system in my life.
I'm thankful for my friends, who are always there for fun times and partying. Also, talking. Thanks AJ. Remind me to buy you a drink for all my girly-brain crap you put up with. You have a way with words, it's astonishing. Soothing. Love it.
And lastly, and there's no point in denying that, I am thankful for Andy. Thank you for showing me that sleeping alone is a bunch of crap. Thank you for never getting angry at me that, with you, I can't watch a movie until the end; can't be the first to fall asleep; coming over in the middle of the night when I'm crying about whatever. Thanks for the hugs, the looks, the kisses and the rest. Thanks for the pain, the choking, the loud music and the toying me around. (Oh yeah, that was totally ironic, btw.) And if you can't be normal friends with me, though you said we would, then.. fuck you. ("No nigga, FUCK. YOU." hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa)

My favorite number

88 is my favorite number. It represents double-infinity. See, if you turn one 8 90 degrees sideways, it beccomes the symbol for infinity. 8 is also Andy's favorite number, but who gives, right? Right. Anyway, I like 88, because it's not just a single infinity. To have it twice means 2 people have an infinity together. Also, it's the year I was born. I often feel like 1988 was the last year of good people. I see it in some of my friends, who are younger, that they are just soo different! They are less family-based, more surrounded by friends, they text all the time, they party, drink, smoke.. all that crap. They have a different relationship to teachers or other students. They speak more freely, more intiutuve rather than thoughtful... I don't know, I can't sound it out, it's weird.
But 88 is my favorite number and I felt like writing about it.
It's been a week since we've spoken. I find myself missing him less and less. I hope that that's not just a phase. I want it to stick. I mean, sure, I think about him a lot, but it's not so painful anymore. It doesn't physically hurt anymore to decide to NOT sign onto my instant messenger. I don't have to consciously make that decision anymore, I just don't do it. Today, I've worked on my reaction to "California King Bed" by Rihanna... Not pleased with it, yet. I can't help it, it tears me apart and I want to curl up in a litte dust-ball! No crying, just choking. Don't know which is worse. And going to bed is.. well, it's been difficult all along, but I remember him telling me about that in the very beginning that, one you've had someone else sleeping in the same bed, you find it hard to sleep alone in the future. So true. SO true. Every night I walk into my room, I'm sad that my bed is empty. Ohhh well. I cuddle my pillow. It'll be alright.

spiral of the life of a friendship

So, after a long sleepless night, I thought about the consequences of stopping to be friends with him altogether. I was usually just tagging along with him when we went somewhere as a group of people. His friends have become my friends as well, but filtered through him. Like, I wouldn't ask one of them if they'd wanna go dancing some time, rather when they ask Andy, I get the occasional invite to come along as well. They are nice guys, but for the most part, we aren't that close.
Sociologists say that you change your group of friends in a relatively set peroid of time. Like, every 10 years, for example. Well, when this Andy and I thing got more twisted and we started hanging out all the time, I "traded" my old group of friends for his. Not entirely and not sudden, but, as previously mentioned, since I spent so much time with him, I also spent more time with his friends, than with mine.
What I'm trying to say is that, if I stop being friends with him altogether, I run the risk of losing a couple of friends. At the moment, I don't want to be at some public place where he is. I don't want to go out with a group of friends that he is a part of, because seeing him (and seeing him with other girls) hurts so badly. I know it from experience. It wasn't pretty.
I never thought I could be the Daniel in a relationship. The one to break off all the contact, because he couldn't handle staying in touch. It'll hurt and I am not prepared. Not willing, either, but I have to. If he wants to surround himself with other girls, I can't change that.
What I also can't change is this feeling in my heart that he'll eventually realize what or who I could have been for him. I hope he'll have the guts to come and talk to me when the time comes.
Yeah, that was crap, I know. Shuddup.
The truth is, I will never be ready to say goodbye, because I suck at giving up on something.

Sorry for that last one.
I wrote it on my phone and it wouldn't let me delete errors, nor write in lower case letters...
I'll leave it like it is, because, though it's hard to read, I still mean what I wrote.
And as a reminder to NEVER use my phone for blogging again. Ever.

YYOU SyOUAID YoUyYou YOU SAID THAT YOUDON'T WANT A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW AND THAT YOU LIKE ME OOOOOOOOOH SO MUCH. YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT, DO YOU.- WELL, I DO. I WAS SOBER. SEE, ONE MORE REASON WHY I DON'T DRINK. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I SAY - I WANT TO MEAN IT, TOO. YOU ARE JUST SCEWED UP AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEPT HOLDING ON TO YOU... SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW. YOU WERE SUCH AN ASS TO ME 90% OF THE TIME AND YET, I FELT LIKE THOSE 10% WERE ALL THAT MATTERED. JERK. YOU THINKT THAT ITS OK FOR YOU TO AK ASK IF I WANT TO HANG OUT, BUT IT'S NOT OK WHEN I ASK YOU???? WHAT KIND OF SELF-ABSORBED FRIEND ARE YOU??? I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID LET'S HANG OUT, BUT THAT WAS NOT WHEN I NOT WHAT I MEANT- AT,. ALL. AND YOU DON'T BLIEVE ME. WHE WHY NOT? WHY CAN'T I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS???  I MEAN, CLEARLY YOU CAN'T, BECASE YOU'RE AN IDIOT, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MATURE ONE, I BELIEVE. SURE,  ITHERE WHERE TIMES WHEN I GAVE IN, BUT I AM THE ONE WHO CAN PUT ALL THE 'TOLD YOU SO'S ON YOU. ... THAT WAS CHILDISH, I KNOW.  ESSENIALLY, I DID WHEAT WHAT YOU SAID. I WANTED AND MAYBE WANT TO B FRIENDS WITH YOU AND JUSTTHAT. AND JUST BCAUSE WE HAVE A SCREWED UP BACKROUND, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T HANG OUT ANYMORE!! ....OR DOES IT...? TYPED ON MY PHONE--- ITS WEIRD. SORRY FOR ALL THE ERRRORS, IT WON'T LET ME DELETE OR DECAPITALIZE.

Finally. He finally said it clearly. I'm overly sure that he means it, this time. Like, for good. No more late night texts, never ever again. I feel nothing. Not anything. My brain is empty and everything is silent.
Yesterday, I prayed to God to please just give me one more time to fall asleep being cuddled and to wake up being cuddled. That's all. Nothing else. I said to give me hell for as long as He thinks I need as pay for this huge favor. ...Sometimes, I think He doesn't hear me. I pray, but He's busy. Maybe He hears, but He doesn't act on it! It makes me so sad, but I know that, if He had given me just this night, I would have prayed for more. More falling asleep being cuddled, more waking up being cuddled. Nothing else, I promise. Just his arms around me when I fall asleep. It's just the best thing I have ever felt. Ever.

So the "hon" in my birthday message was seriously my birthday present. Thanks.

Words.

Words. They tumble out of my head and into my fingers, forcing them to type these words into my computer. My brain snaps and I hit send. Silence. Astonishment. I sit in surprise to what my muscles just accomplished. I sent the message. The message I thought about so many times since I last got to use it. I sent those words. Spoke them in writing. "I miss you." Well, not completely, to be honest. What came out was more like "i... i mi... forget it." My brain snaps again and I want to log off before he can answer, but his fingers are faster. "hm". I stare at the orange letters in shock. I didn't want an answer. I sent my silent question in hopes of no answer. The answer is almost never the one I want, so I don't want one. If there would ever be a positive answer, I want it in a textmessage. To preserve the moment. To get back to the moment everytime I want to feel happy. Or cry.
I go to bed and I do said thing. I cry. "hm". I don't know what it means, but I know it's not "I miss you, too." It's nothing. It's a "hm".
If I only knew how he felt about me, maybe I'd feel better. Maybe, it'd be easier to hate you.
I miss you, but I can't tell you. I care about you, but I can't tell you. I want to be close to you, but I can't tell you. Tell me.