A life relived

I realized that I have never talked about my dad on my blog..
I'll keep it short, I promise.

My father was one of 5 children of a baker-family in a small town. He grew up knowing what it's like to be poor. He was an artist, who never really got to express himself. He sometimes painted for me - ideal visualizations of our family. Where my mother, my sister, my father and I would play in a garden and pick apples off a giant tree. I have seen pictures of him as an actor when he was younger. By the time I happened, he was already a different man. Struck by the fate of only being able to use his right arm, he became a chemist, calculating models and improving their efficiency. My sister, outcome of his first marriage, lived with him for a few years, before following her mom and half-sister to WestGermany in early 1989. My mom had moved in, of course, and they got married when I was 2 years old.
My mom and I moved out in early 1995. Since then, he was doing his best to be the best dad he could over the distance. He called me every day at 7 pm.
Until he didn't.

In the pocket of my winter coat, I carry the police-tape that was used to seal the door to my father's home. I often hold it in my hand as a reminder that it wasn't just a nightmare. Also, it reassures me that his memory will always live in me.

I am a lot like my dad. I may look just like my mom when she was my age, but my character resembles my dad's. He will live on through me and I will always do my very best as to not disappoint him. ... I miss him more than I am willing to admit.

Cheers to you, daddy.

If you want to make God laugh...

...tell Him your plans.
That goes for many things. If it's the quest find love in 2011, or maybe to not allow yourself the chance to be happy in a small town. Some things are not meant to be planned.
2011 was a disaster in every way possible. I admit, I gave up on the year right when it started, but it didn't surprise me when I looked back in early December and realized that it really was the worst year of my life so far. I lost my father, my job was crap, I was having difficulties adjusting in the new work environment, my fathers last wish (for me to finally have a boyfriend) hadn't been heared, my birthday sucked and christmas didn't look promising either.
And while I miss my dad every day, with the fireworks that welcomed 2012, a massive load fell from my chest, and as I marvelled at the colors in the sky, I was finally able to breathe freely. Happy. Even joyous - a feeling I thought would never find its way to me again. So my year started a lot better than the last and I am very happy about that.
I didn't find love in 2011. In those last days of the old year, I found passion and compassion, honesty and surprise. Very nice for a change.
Also, I can start this year by saying that I am over someone, who has meant too much to me for too long. I have moved on and it's an amazing feeling to be free.
I want to stop telling God my plans. Not so He can't cross them anymore, but because I want to stop thinking so much about what the future might bring. It'll never be as I expect it to be!
Right now, it's even better.
Cheers. No one has died yet.

thought of the moment

Why I share my life on the internet?
Because I'm afraid if I wouldn't, no one would bother asking.

7 p.m.

Yeah... So I haven't been blogging about BCx... Not that anyone would notice, but I did feel a bit guilty when I realized it.
But actually, I wanted to talk about something else. My mom is on the phone with her sister at the moment aaaand it's 5 till 7p.m. ... And I looked at the clock and this thought that I can't shut out came to my mind.
I have it every day.
It's: "Hang up the phone, daddy is gonna call in a few minutes!"
I hate it.
I sincerely hate it.
Thinking of my dad is good and I don't plan on forgetting him and his ways and his voice, but every day at 7p.m. his absence smacks me sideways. I can't cry everyday, because I just don't have the strengh to be this sad all the time.. it's more on random times of the day that I have a thought, just a split second of a memory, and I'm out of it for the next 10 minutes.
The Yeti still owes me a hug. I asked him for one, he said he'd do it, but he never came around. Therefore, he owes me one. And every time I walk to my father's grave I wish someone would be there and hold me so I can let go for just one breath.
But no.
And I have come to realize that I will never get exactly that ONE hug that will make all the pain go away. There won't ever be a 'gone', much less when it's forced. I mean, I asked him for a hug and I shouldn't have to ask. Words don't mean sh*t if actions don't follow its course and the fact that he STILL hasn't showed up just proves it one more time that either I don't mean anything to him or that he's just like what I named him - A Yeti.

BEDA-ish

Yesterday, I made ice cream. Yes, from scratch. My strawberry ice cream had to sit in the freezer for a few hours, so when my mom and I got home from church this morning, we went straight to the freezer to try it. DELICIOUS! Not at all like store-bought ice cream, which is good too, but the homemade one just tastes healthier and more natural. I love it. The majority will go to a friend of mine for her birthday.

Movies:
I watched 'The Rite' and Anthony Hopkins did a great job resembling the devil. I always get really scared of him! All good though, it was very compelling. Stories about exorcism grip me all the time, they're sooo fascinating! Especially when they're based on true events. I have heard stories from a friend of mine who worked with an actual Exorcist before and it got me hooked. It's dangerous, I know, but still very interesting.

Tomorrow, I'm finally gonna start BCx and I am really excited for that! A little scared, too, I admit, because it's work week and I don't know how sore I will be and to what extend this will affect my job. We'll see.
BCx will be an unusual experience for me, I bet, because I've never done anything like that in my life. I tried the first mission on Friday and I'm STILL sore! ...I really need to work out more.

Word of the day is: Frauentausch, because I watched the latest episode, yesterday, and just talked about it with my aunt. Soo hilarious and sad at the same time!

Blog Every Day in April Ahhhhh

I totally forgot about you, blog. Gee sorry.
Also I'm starting late on BEDA, just like every year, and I probably won't keep up with it. Just like every year.

Sssoooo my dad kinda died and I haven't had much time or willpower to tell you about it. Yeah well, it happened the day after Valentine's Day, so it ruined that day forever. I want to leave that behind and not tell you about it right now.

The word of the day is 'Schnubbort'.
I read that in a picture comment on the facebook page of a friend of mine and it cracked me up. It's slang-german for mustache, but whereas mustache sounds snobby and french, Schnubbort makes me imagine an old man calling his dog in the park.
"Heeere Schnubbort, come here!" or "Schnubbort? SIT!"

My mom had an accident on inline skates last sunday, which led to a big bandage on her knee and now she has to give herself thrombosis shots in her stomach, because she can't bend it either way. Walking causes her pain and since limping is hard, she found an even better method to move around. SHE MOONWALKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am serious, she's walking backwards, yelling "Look Marie, Michael Jackson would be so proud of me!"
My mother is a chunk of adorable brain matter and I love her a lot.

Cheers!

Me? Intimidating?

This goes to the Yeti:
You've never wanted chances. You made your decision a long time ago and you're sticking with it, it's only me who thinks you'd give a crap about how I feel and what I think.
And I have to accept that.
I was once convinced that you cared about me as much as I cared about you and that you wanted me in your life the same way I did. You just weren't ready.
But that's not true.
I was a tool. Something you used and once you found something better, you threw it away, is that what it was? Because, I mean, though you and your drunk ass kept begging the differ, I wasn't convinced.
My dad died and you asked me how I felt and I shut you down like I did with everyone else, yet many other people, all who aren't as close to me as you, kept pushing and repeatedly asked me how I felt. You didn't, because you got intimidated by my harshness?
Oh.. please, really?
I've made an effort to never go bitches-be-crazy on you, because I thought you deserved better. You don't, obviously, but I felt like I'm not in the place to stand you up like that. I am in no place to go all bitchface on your stupid ass. And you really thought that I don't have agressions in me? That I never rant or freak out and scream? And the ONE time that I do that via text message (geez, I didn't even get to scream at you live -- And even if I had, would you have hidden under the closest table?!), you get INTIMIDATED???? REALLY????
My dad is dead. It was sudden. Can't I catch a break from being awfully nice to you all the time?
I mean, seriously.
Are you that weak? Getting intimidated by ME, the girl who took so much crap from you. All the stuff you did, all the ways you hurt me and I never went crazy on you. I'm not intimidating. And if I am, you're too weak of a guy to be of my interest and concern. I need someone strong who can take my crap and support me when I need it.
Just... I don't know... Go watch Steffi for a bit, she's doing a heck of a good job taking allll my crap. She never get's scared of me, she can fight back and soothe me at the same time. Go and be a bit more like her. Please?

January so far

I'm thinking of this blog as a form of diary that I will, one day, look back on and smile, because I know that all the (little, meaningless) hardships life has brought about were usefull to me in some way. To achieve my goals, I must go through darker days and I know that. I just wish they were over already.
Maybe, it's the wintertime. Maybe the weather has got me down. Maybe it's feeling left alone. Not that that weren't true, by the way.
You know, on new years, either you throw a party or you get invited to one.. right? That's the common protocol. Well, I sat at home. Alone. (My mom was in bed, one because she had to work early the next morning, 2 because she had a bad migrane.) I know I don't have many actual friends. Most people I know, I know through others. We chitchat a bit when we meet, but other than that, there's no connection. The friends that I have were either off on vacation or just indifferent towards me. And it's a time like new years when you know who your friends are. Home alone --> I seem to not have friends. Okay, the ones that were gone, but they didn't even get in touch with me after midnight.
So eversince new years, my life hasn't really improved much. This year starts off just really lonely, I guess. Not that January of 2010 was any more uplifting. In fact, it was worse, but I thought this year, things would be different. They're not. Not at all.
Not talking to me, because we had a fight would be okay. But not talking to me for no reason at all is just really freaking weird! I mean, I don't know why you're doing that and it drives me insane. On special occasions, you call me sweet names and all that jazz and make me believe that everything could be like it used to be and better, but the next day or even weeks, there's silence. WHY??? The ever apparent question in my head is WHYYYY the heck you act like that. When we meet, everything is okay, but once I'm out of sight you seem to be indifferent towards me. WHYYYYYYYY?????

brain-crap

too many unanswered questions. he's drunk, he tells me stuff, but i don't know if he really means it, or if it's his drunk, desperate, lonely self who's talking. to be specific, he said "i missed you. very very much. mhm!" and "i thought of you a lot. you know, in my head, i missed you a lot."
and to my question why he didn't tell me earlier, he replied: "because i just noticed."
he was really cute and all and i enjoyed spending time with him a lot and yeah, i missed him a lot as well, but the next day... it was all so different. waking up was nice, then i started interpreting all kinds of (lovely) crap into the songs he played, then got ignored most of the morning (nothing new), THEN was kinda asked/forced to leave. thanks. real nice.
now, i need to know if what he said was true or just a lie to get me to do stuff.
i don't care if he only tells me, or if he screams it out, but iiiii neeeeeed to knoooooow! understand?

Chapeau, madame!

I'm thankful for the painless death of my grandma's sister. I'm thankful for everything she's taught me about her time in history, about the human psyche and about will-power.
I'm thankful for Steffi, who just keeps putting up with my blah blah and that she never agrees to something just to make me stop talking. Thank you for your own opinion, though it's almost never the same as mine ;)
I'm thankful for my mom, who is sleepy, but funny; caring, but good at letting me grow independent and loving, but not overpowering. She takes in soo much crap and yet basically never raises her voice.
I'm thankful for my hostfamily, who are incredible people (and Carson-diggy) and I cannot begin to imagine my life without them... no, I really can't. You have enriched my life in ways that I probably can't even capture completely, yet, and I feel very honored that you've done, and still do, all these things for me... "You's homies are like woah, ya know?!"
I'm thankful for Daniel, who looks through me like no one else I know. Not even Steffi or Andy. And he doesn't make me feel awkward. Luv, you're amazing, though I promised to not call you pet names, anymore. If there's ONE person on earth, I can talk to about literally e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, it's you. It has always been you. Some things never change. Like you, my friend. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my family. Though they're all crazy and old, unsocial and stuck up, they are still my family and I love them very much and I am lucky to have such a strong support system in my life.
I'm thankful for my friends, who are always there for fun times and partying. Also, talking. Thanks AJ. Remind me to buy you a drink for all my girly-brain crap you put up with. You have a way with words, it's astonishing. Soothing. Love it.
And lastly, and there's no point in denying that, I am thankful for Andy. Thank you for showing me that sleeping alone is a bunch of crap. Thank you for never getting angry at me that, with you, I can't watch a movie until the end; can't be the first to fall asleep; coming over in the middle of the night when I'm crying about whatever. Thanks for the hugs, the looks, the kisses and the rest. Thanks for the pain, the choking, the loud music and the toying me around. (Oh yeah, that was totally ironic, btw.) And if you can't be normal friends with me, though you said we would, then.. fuck you. ("No nigga, FUCK. YOU." hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa)