FacePalm.

Wow, reality just hit me in the face. Ouch. He went clubbing, yesterday and, in the old days, he would have come over to my house afterwards and cradle me in his arms as we fall asleep. I really liked being woken up for the purpose of letting someone in, who cuddles me good night. Sure he was drunk and I felt horrible for always opening my door to him and never saying no. I knew the right thing would have been leaving him out there by himself and telling him he could come back when he was sober, but I never did, because I knew chances were bad that I'd ever get that (He was here sober, before, but it's been a long time since). Well, right now, he's telling me about clubbing last night and it just dawned on me that he didn't come over to spend the night. My head heals quickly. I can't have it, to heck with it.. my heart takes a while, because it doesn't let the emotions out easily. So it's a song, a word or a reoccurrance of events (which is right now) that make my emotions slap me upside the head. And he doesn't even notice, because he doesn't miss me. At least, it seems that way. Not in the least. I feel like the worst person on earth for letting myself being played like that. As long as I said yes to the things he asked for, I was convenient. Once I started getting pissed off about constantly being treated like crap, I wasn't easy to handle anymore, so why bother.
Geez, I really saw something in him that doesn't exist. I still believe it's in there, this good person, but I am working on convincing my mind that that is a myth.