In the last 2 months, I had to do a lot of thinking, realizing, coping and compensating. I had to accept the fact that, what has never actually started, has now ended for good. I don't like it, but I have to cope. I've been thinking back a lot about how different life was this time last year, especially October/November/December. Thought about if I would want to go back or not. If I'd do it all over again or act differently. And to be honest, I don't know. Cannot decide. The only thing I know is that it makes me sick to my stomach when I read about all the parties, the girls, the drinking..
Even more, the fact that we don't talk anymore. Or hardly. I have ex-girlfriend status without ever being the girlfriend! Grrreat. I'm having withdrawals from him. Sometimes, it feels like the time in Ginny's barn where I had to press my ribcage together to keep it from falling apart (not literally, but you know what I mean). I don't want to feel that every night when I go to bed. Praying hasn't done much other than showing me that he really has no interest in being with me at all. Thanks. I remember last sunday in chruch I was on my knees asking Him "Really? Is that what 'Please let me see the situation with Andy more clearly and help me understand where this is going' made you do? Make him go from sometimes-talking to silent-mode? Thank you for that, but can we meet on friendlier grounds there, Jesus? Any other ideas?"
Seems as if Jesus was being serious. This time last year, Andy told me about the tickets he had for this comedian who was coming to Leipzig this fall. He said that "Originally, this card was for my ex, but I doubt she'd wanna come along after all that's happened and I don't really want her there either, but, you know, if we get along next year as well as we do now, you can have that ticket!"
That's today.
And I'm not going.
Ouch.
When I read that that is today, I was on the phone with my sister. I was so glad that she was talking, because I almost threw up and couldn't breathe for a second, because that just made me realize HOW over all this is. She didn't notice. It seems like not just our "never-even-started" relationship is over, but that our friendship is, too. And that's not my doing. I like the kid, I get along with him and though we have little in common, but we can talk for hours. I love listening to him, talking to him, cuddling and falling asleep all squished by his arms and legs.
But I don't know about him. I have never dared to ask. One, because I felt stupid asking and two, because I am convinced that, if someone likes you enough to want you around, he should come forth and tell you without being asked to. Sadly, he's made it obvious that he just doesn't care at all about my company. He's the one not talking and when he talks, I get so exceited, I feel like Daniel on the soccer field: Soooo hyped to be in the game that he stumbles over a blade of grass, misses the ball and hits the ground.
He asks me if he can come over, I say yes. He asks me to come over, I do (and then get a textmessage to stay at home, because it turns out he has other plans, which I don't read until I'm in front of his house, wondering why no one is home. Long and sad story.).
I don't understand this guy and everytime I think I do, God shows me "No, you don't." Thanks.
I really REALLY would love to catch him in a weak moment and make him tell me how he feels about me. I want to know, but I don't want to ask. It's over. He's made that clear enough. But there will always be the question how he feels about me.
I know part of the answer. The night I told him how I feel about him, he said little about his feelings, but his body language made it very clear that he didn't express it all. I saw that in his eyes, I heard it in his voice, I felt it in his hug. I wanna know. Just to know. I promise I won't change the way I behave. I just.... want to know exactly how he feels about me and if that feeling has been the same over the past year. Please.
In other news, I baked lovely bread, today. Tastes amazing, looks amazing, mee likeyyy!
