A life relived

I realized that I have never talked about my dad on my blog..
I'll keep it short, I promise.

My father was one of 5 children of a baker-family in a small town. He grew up knowing what it's like to be poor. He was an artist, who never really got to express himself. He sometimes painted for me - ideal visualizations of our family. Where my mother, my sister, my father and I would play in a garden and pick apples off a giant tree. I have seen pictures of him as an actor when he was younger. By the time I happened, he was already a different man. Struck by the fate of only being able to use his right arm, he became a chemist, calculating models and improving their efficiency. My sister, outcome of his first marriage, lived with him for a few years, before following her mom and half-sister to WestGermany in early 1989. My mom had moved in, of course, and they got married when I was 2 years old.
My mom and I moved out in early 1995. Since then, he was doing his best to be the best dad he could over the distance. He called me every day at 7 pm.
Until he didn't.

In the pocket of my winter coat, I carry the police-tape that was used to seal the door to my father's home. I often hold it in my hand as a reminder that it wasn't just a nightmare. Also, it reassures me that his memory will always live in me.

I am a lot like my dad. I may look just like my mom when she was my age, but my character resembles my dad's. He will live on through me and I will always do my very best as to not disappoint him. ... I miss him more than I am willing to admit.

Cheers to you, daddy.

If you want to make God laugh...

...tell Him your plans.
That goes for many things. If it's the quest find love in 2011, or maybe to not allow yourself the chance to be happy in a small town. Some things are not meant to be planned.
2011 was a disaster in every way possible. I admit, I gave up on the year right when it started, but it didn't surprise me when I looked back in early December and realized that it really was the worst year of my life so far. I lost my father, my job was crap, I was having difficulties adjusting in the new work environment, my fathers last wish (for me to finally have a boyfriend) hadn't been heared, my birthday sucked and christmas didn't look promising either.
And while I miss my dad every day, with the fireworks that welcomed 2012, a massive load fell from my chest, and as I marvelled at the colors in the sky, I was finally able to breathe freely. Happy. Even joyous - a feeling I thought would never find its way to me again. So my year started a lot better than the last and I am very happy about that.
I didn't find love in 2011. In those last days of the old year, I found passion and compassion, honesty and surprise. Very nice for a change.
Also, I can start this year by saying that I am over someone, who has meant too much to me for too long. I have moved on and it's an amazing feeling to be free.
I want to stop telling God my plans. Not so He can't cross them anymore, but because I want to stop thinking so much about what the future might bring. It'll never be as I expect it to be!
Right now, it's even better.
Cheers. No one has died yet.